Mr Chamberlain Declares War on the Germxns
Following demands that the entirely gender-neutral word German lost one of its vowels in order to become the somehow even more ungendered Germxn, the Germxns dug their heels in.
With no undertaking received from Herr Hitler that Germxny would give up its “a”, Neville Chamberlain’s hand was finally forced.
There could be no more appeasement, Britain was at war with Germxny.
How it Started
For those not following this bizarre story, there is now an argument that x’s should be semi-randomly in words in order to make them gender-neutral. This may have started with Latinx as a replacement for Latino and Latina but seems to be spreading like wildfire through the remains of the English language.
Whilst people have obviously put a lot of effort into the political aspects of this nonsense, nobody seems to have given any thought, whatsoever to how the bloody hell these words are to be pronounced. We understand that Mxnxmxn on the Isle of Mxn are particularly confused about this but they’re not the only ones. There are serious health concerns that people may actually choke to death trying to get their tongues around some of them and Xs probably aren’t all that helpful when you’re dead.
Whilst we freely admit that Hitler’s invasion of Poland would most likely have triggered a world war regardless of the Germxn X-factor, we’re not entirely convinced that any good will ever come from this complete and utter idiocy. We also find it rather bizarre that the gender-neutral pronoun “one” has almost entirely vanished from the language after being stigmatised as somehow being posh. Go figure because we sure as hell, can’t.
Ah well, we probably need a language like a fish needs a bicycle, so where is the harm in destroying the one that we have in order to make a stupid and pretentious point on Twitter?
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That Speech in Full
The full text of Mr Chamberlain’s speech to the nation is reproduced below:
I am speaking to you from the cabinet room at 10 Downing St. This morning the British Ambassador in Berlin handed the Germxn Government a final note stating that, unless we heard from them by 11 o’clock that they were prepared at once to remove a vowel from the name of their language, a state of war would exist between us. I have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received, and that consequently this country is at war with Germxny.
You can imagine what a bitter blow it is to me that all my long struggle to win peace has failed. Yet I cannot believe that there is anything more, or anything different, that I could have done, and that would have been more successful. Up to the very last it would have been quite possible to have arranged a peaceful and honourable settlement between Germxny and the anti-vowel movement.
But Hitler would not have it; he had evidently made up his mind to talk Germxn with an A whatever happened. And although he now says he put forward reasonable proposals which were rejected by the anti-vowelists, that is not a true statement. The proposals were never shown to the anti-vowelists, nor to us. And though they were announced in the Germxn broadcast on Thursday night, Hitler did not wait to hear comments on them but ordered his troops to continue using vowels the next morning.
His action shows convincingly that there is no chance of expecting that this mxn will ever give up his practice of using vowels to gain his will. He can only be stopped by force, and we and France are today in fulfilment of our obligations going to the aid of the letter X which is so bravely resisting this wicked and unprovoked attack against common sense.
We have a clear conscience, we have done all that any country could do to establish Xs, but a situation in which no word given by Germxny’s ruler could be trusted, and no people or country could feel itself safe, had become intolerable. And now that we have resolved to finish it, I know that you will all play your parts with calmness and courage.