The Devil’s Dictionary has been updated for the 2020s. Here are some of its newer entries.
One who spends far too much time on social media.
Made by a master craftsman who has been doing this since last Tuesday.
body art (n.)
A fashion crime that comes with a life sentence.
The period between Easter and Saint Valentine’s Day.
Last year’s hot, new thing.
common sense (n.)
Something one can’t be bothered to think about too deeply.
One with a strong aspiration to end aspiration.
Someone who drinks an awful lot of wine – as opposed to an alcoholic who drinks a lot of beer or spirits.
craft beer (n.)
Keg-bitter that tastes of grapefruit juice.
Goods marked with the name of somebody you hitherto hadn’t heard of, as opposed to unmarked goods which design themselves.
done (v. pp.)
Kicked further down the road.
Someone who will happily drive to a climate change demonstration.
A fervent belief that if you ignore complexity for long enough, it will go away.
Jam-packed with sugar.
Someone who fondly imagines that a brioche bun somehow enhances a hamburger.
Something that should be good until the end of the week.
If it’s no good we’ll send you another one that’s exactly the same.
Shorthand for “I followed the instructions on the packet to the letter.”
One who sees the world differently to you.
Anyone who has ever had a work of fiction published in a newspaper.
A person who will dramatically improve your life by charging you £200 per hour.
life-style guru (n.)
Someone you pay to live the life of your dreams.
An unspecified number between 248 and infinity.
The state of being too small to see over a line on a map.
The fondly held belief that adults had nothing to worry about when you were a child.
political analyst (n.)
Someone who’s wearing a suit in their Twitter profile picture.
One who is capable of ordering food and drink in multiple languages.
Somebody else’s impulse-buy that didn’t quite make the cut.
Someone who knows next week’s sports results but never seems to retire on his winnings.
Someone who, despite the odds, just happened to be born amongst the best of his species.
religious fundamentalist (n.)
Someone who has devoted their entire life to finding the most immoral interpretations of their sacred text of choice.
A person who has decided that they are way too cool to pay their bus fare.
Someone who annoys you by getting annoyed by you.
Special offer of two items for the price of one point something.
Someone who travels halfway around the world to take a picture of something that they’ve seen in a photograph.
travel guru (n.)
Someone who doesn’t just experience a country but somehow manages to “do” it.
Subject to conditions.
Someone who will happily cross the road to tell a stranger about their dietary choices.
A particularly spiritual form of retail therapy.