Are you looking for a new career as a pain in the backside?
Are you tired of thinking?
Do you find reality confusing and overly nuanced?
Do you simply want to troll the internet?
Do you want to learn extremism like a true pro?
If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, then our new correspondence course is for you. In a matter of minutes, we’ll teach you everything that you need to know to be an extremist!
The world is changing rapidly. Traditional economies are collapsing. Entire industries are being displaced. Tensions are rising around the globe. The world is in the worst state that it has ever been in. You can’t be blamed for being confused.
You would go crazy if you had to think about everything that’s going on.
In fact, it has been proven that you’d go crazy if you only thought about one per cent of what’s going on. Yes! One per cent!
But I don’t want to go crazy!
No, you don’t! And nor should you. That’s why we’re going to teach you how to eliminate any danger of mental overload. By learning a basic set of rules, you can make certain that you’ll never think critically again.
But it can’t be that easy!
Oh yes, it can! Become an extremist and you’ll never have to take your brain past first-gear for as long as you live.
And the best news of all? It’s incredibly simple!
Extremism 1.01: Everything is Easy
In our first module, you’ll learn that it really is as simple as that.
To the accomplished extremist, absolutely everything in the world is a piece of the proverbial. Right from the start, we’ll help you eliminate all unnecessary complexity and reduce everything to a binary argument.
If that sounds complicated just now, don’t worry! We’ll explain it more as the course progresses. All that you need to get going is the ability to blindly agree with and distribute the views of your chosen masters. We’ll quickly add to your skills – you’ll be answering difficult questions with a three-word slogan before you know it.
If a question leads to other questions, it simply isn’t a very good question. The minute that you append a “what if … ?” or a “what about … ?”, there is every danger that you’re going to stray into the realms of real-world intricacy. We will teach you how to make sure that that never happens!
This brings us quite neatly to our second module and it’s an appropriately simple one:
Extremism 1.02: YOU are the expert
The key to successful extremism is the ability to disregard all those irritating people who seem to know stuff that you don’t.
Does that sound tricky in a world full of brainiacs and experts? It doesn’t have to be! Any so-called expert can easily be dismissed for getting one thing wrong.
Einstein? Clever chap, you might think. But, wait a minute – he was slightly wrong about gravity waves. If he was wrong about gravity waves, he was probably wrong about everything else! The man clearly can’t be relied upon.
You will learn how to apply this simple mind-ninja approach to anyone who dares to think more than you do. Not only will you be able to discredit smart people, you will be able to actively vilify them. And, best of all, we will teach you how to feel monumentally superior to anyone who actually knows the first thing about anything!
Once you’ve completed our second module, you need only ever believe a handful of politicians and that bloke in the pub, ever again.
Extremism 1.03: Say “Nay” to the Nay-Sayers!
There will always be people who reject your chosen extreme but there are easy ways to deal with this.
Our award-winning third module will show you some easy techniques to label anyone who suggests caution as a member of the “other lot”.
You’ll be astounded how simple it is to dismiss anyone who says that you shouldn’t play with matches as a communist or a fascist or an infidel, when you use our simple five-point discreditation program.
And that’s just for starters …
By the time that you’ve completed our first three modules, you’ll already be well on the way to being a brainless prat who poses a major threat to your country – but it shouldn’t stop there.
We’ll give you a free bonus module in how to get triggered by absolutely anything! You’ll get so good at it that you’ll no longer need to actively look for anything offensive. It will just happen!
Our best students progress to Key Stage 2 of our course, where they learn how to:
- Develop blind allegiance to a demagogue, no how matter how obviously deficient.
- Blame other people for everything without any sense of guilt or irony.
- Say “I told you so” with conviction even when it’s completely untrue.
- Rewrite history at a stroke, without having to learn a single thing about it.
Post graduate study opportunities include Targeted Financial Mismanagement, International Take-overs and Applied Tactical Nuclear Weaponry.
And the beauty of our program is that you can choose whichever extreme you wish to belong to!
This training is ideal whether you want to be a raving communist, an alt-right apologist, a militant vegan, a racist knuckle-dragger or a God-bothering boil on the bum. It all works in exactly the same way!
Whatever your childish obsession, we can teach you how to share your thoughts with like-minded cretins and show you where to find them.
Sell us your Soul!
Thought is out of fashion. Ride the new wave and save yourself the trouble!
Just send a postal order for £10 to the Daily Distress with a stamped and addressed envelope and we’ll do the rest.
We’re so confident in our teaching methods that if you’re not completely irrational within a month, WE WILL GIVE YOU A FULL REFUND!
Yes, you heard that right. Complete docility or your money back! You have nothing to lose but your marbles, your country and your dignity. Sign-up to the 2020’s now!
This is a limited time offer that will recur frequently. ACT TODAY!