New Doctor Who Revealed

Since its creation in 1963, Doctor Who has been one of Britain’s most iconic TV shows. Following the announcement of the forthcoming departure of its current star, Jodie Whittaker, speculation has been rife as to who will be the new Doctor Who.

New Doctor Who Revealed

Speculation

There is never a shortage of rumours where a new Doctor Who is involved, and this time has been no different. In recent weeks, there has been much speculation encompassing everyone from national treasures like Lenny Henry and Stephen Fry, to up-and-coming 12-year-old singing sensation, Olly Alexander. Some have pointed out that the role is one of the few never to have been played by Idris Elba, making his appointment almost inevitable; others have suggested that Phoebe Waller-Bridge is so obviously right for the part that it would be a crime not to appoint her.

There has been plenty of discussion about a wealth of actors including Kris Marshall from My Family, Michaela Coel from that thing we didn’t watch, and potty-mouthed royal-impersonator Olivia Coleman. Rumours have also been rife that the role would go to somebody with an established connection to the show such as Mark Gatiss, Paul McGann or Sheridan Smith.

Sheridan Smith
A random picture of Sheridan Smith because we like her.

More outlandish suggestions have included Celebrity Masterchef star Katie Price (sometimes known as The Artist Formerly Known as Jordan) and failed Apprentice candidate and Eva Braun impersonator, Katie Hopkins. Few, though, could have predicted the leftfield nature of the final appointment.

The Inside Line

The Daily Distress met with a BBC insider who prefers to remain unnamed. She revealed that the BBC’s Director-General, Tim Davie was personally responsible for selecting the new Doctor Who star along with the programme’s new show-runner.

“Tim was very concerned about inclusivity”, she revealed. “We’ve had quite an assortment of Englishmen, Scotsmen and even Scousers over the years. Following the recent spell with Jodie, even the girls have had a go, but there has been one group that has been totally overlooked. Thirteen Doctors in – nine hundred, if you count some of Chris Chibnall’s random insertions – we’ve still not had a ginger Doctor. Tim thought it was high time that we rectified this rather uncomfortable omission.”

daily distress UK satire humour
The real Doctor Who.

The revelation that the new Doctor Who would be a red-head led us to wonder whether the Beeb could entice Nicole Kidman or Gillian Anderson to the role. Would they, perhaps, offer Rupert Grint a way to finally stop being known as “that ginger guy in Harry Potter”? We couldn’t have been further from the mark.

“When Tim isn’t busy donating money to the Conservative Party,” our source revealed, “he can usually be found watching vintage game shows. It’s an absolute obsession of his. He has a particular penchant for the later years of The Generation Game along with Give Us a Break, a rather strange snooker-themed quiz from long before most people were born.

“Having seen Bradley Walsh land the part of Graham on the back of some truly inspired performances in Wheel of Fortune and The Chase, Tim was keen to see this precedent extended to the main role. The real clincher, though, was a conversation with the new Doctor Who show-runner, Garry Bushell.

The New Doctor Who Show Runner

Gary Bushell
Garry Bushell

“Tim has been a huge fan of Garry’s ever since he wrote a review of a Billy Bragg record in Sounds”, our insider explained. “He said something to the effect that Bragg was a ‘lefty squaddie arsewipe’ and Tim instantly set about bribing the Nobel Prize people to give him the award for literature. Sadly, William Golding or some bugger bagged the gong that year, but Tim has never forgotten his love for Bushell.

“Ever since, he’s been an avid reader of The Sun, The Star, The People, The Beano, Razzle, Shaven Havens – anything that Garry might have written for. And Garry used to be on TV, complaining about TV, so he’s kind of involved in TV, just like Tim is, so there’s an obvious connection there. It was hardly surprising that he was Tim’s first port of call.

“Garry was a bit reticent at first, but a few pints in, he was getting quite keen on the idea and readily agreed to do it for a shed-load of license-fee payers’ cash. By the end of the fifth set of chasers, they’d pretty much written season 15, but they still hadn’t decided on the new Doctor Who, him or herself.

“Suddenly, Tim had a flash of inspiration. ‘Wouldn’t it be great,’ he asked, ‘if the Doctor came out of the TARDIS, did a weird thing with his hand above his head, and said “Nick! Nick!”?’ Garry agreed instantly, saying something about how it would be a great juxtaposition with the police box and would really upset the Woke Brigade or something. It’s hard to say, he was slurring a bit by that point, but they both seemed to have made up their minds.”

Meet the New Doctor Who

New Doctor Who Jim Davidson with new Doctor Who showrunner Garry Bushell
The new Doctor Who

The BBC hope that the arrival of cheeky, chirpy, Cockney comedian, Jim Davidson will inject a new lease of life into the show, which has, quite frankly, been a bit shit since Chris Chibnall took charge.

Mr Davidson was unavailable for comment, but an associate said that he was very much looking forward to working on the series as he has always had a deep fondness for the Daleks.

Title image courtesy of Doctor Who Spoilers – we’re legally obliged under the Creative Commons license to point out that that naff ’70s text on top of it is of our own doing. Yes, we know you’d guessed that, but …