Cover Story

Daily Distress covers from the last few days. Grab them while they’re hot – they’ll be covered in chip-fat by tomorrow, assuming that anyone has been able to get hold of any potatoes, of course.

We Will Fight Them on The Beaches

They might not care about much, but our glorious leaders are absolutely determined to clear up our rivers and beaches.

daily distress UK satire humour

When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Blame Europe

Due to a growing national shortage of dead cats, a trade war seems increasingly inevitable.

daily distress UK satire humour

COVID, What COVID?

Things could have gone a little more smoothly with the pandemic but rest assured, the PM did give it a jolly good go.

daily distress UK satire humour

Safety First

In times of public crisis, our government is always there with some clear and unambiguous advice.

daily distress UK satire humour

Getting Gas Prices Done

For those old enough to remember The Sun.

daily distress UK satire humour

Getting the Environment Done

He’s only gone and done it! Our Glorious Leader has come up with a simple solution to the carbon dioxide problem – just stop making the stuff.

Daily Distress Covers - Boris the environmental hero

Imperial Comeback

We may measure our roads in miles and beer in pints, but we shall not sleep until we get our rods, poles, perches and tench. Actually, a perch might be a plucky British fish, but you get our point.

daily distress covers - carbon shortage

Reshuffling the Rubble

Even the most rabid Tory rags have to admit that Gavin Williamson is a complete and utter plank, and The Daily Distress is no different. Little did you imagine, as a child, that the thick kid in the corner would wind up running your school.

Daily Distress Covers - Gav is Gone!

He Does it Every Time!

Yet again, Captain Berk steps in to save Christmas! Last year, he did by not doing COVID. This time around, he’s doing it by not doing Brexit.

Daily Distress Covers - Boris Saves Christmas

Our Girl

It’s not all about flesh tones and ethnicity for the British press. These things cease to be a problem if you win a game of tennis. It’s a bit more complicated with football, but on the whole, we are an open and tolerant society. We even forgive Monsieur Farage his French name on account of his avid support of Brexit.

Daily Distress Coers - Emma Radacanu

He Shoots, He Scores!

If there’s one thing a good tabloid loves, it’s Our Glorious Leader. We love him, you love him, if you didn’t love him, you’d be lame.

Daily Distress Covers - Boris Gets Taxation Done

Long to Reign Over Us

On a quiet news day, it’s always worth seizing the chance to talk about royalty. In the grand tradition of the British gutter press, The Daily Distress likes the ones that aren’t called Meghan.

Daily Distress Covers - Prince Andrew is Innocent (honest!)

EU Evil Foreigners!

They’re at it again! This time it’s Polish soccer thugs hurling racial abuse at our players. Surely a job for the British press …

Daily Distress Covers - Racism in Football

Panic on the Streets of Tunbridge Wells

Foreigners! Thousands of ’em! If Nigel doesn’t get his trousers dried in a hurry, we’re in BIG trouble.

Daily Distress Covers - Spanish Armada

Boris Does His Bit

Our Glorious Sleazer might be a chubby chappie, but he’s doing his level best to ensure that we don’t all wind up on a £110 a day take-away habit. We salute him!

Daily Distress Covers - McDonalds shortages

Where’s the Beef?

We’d love to be able to say that we made this one up, but some credit has to go to comedy genius and minister for something-or-other Liz Truss.

We know that we haven’t always been kind to Liz Truss but we didn’t quite realise the depths of her comedic talent. We hereby apologise and would like to assure Liz that there is a job waiting for her at The Distress as soon as her political career goes too far off the rails.

Daily Distress Covers - Botham Regains the Ashes

Raab Keeps His Cool

Where lesser men would pick up a phone and do something to try and save the lives of Britain’s allies, Dominic Raab kept his cool. Realising that his holiday was already a tad expensive, Raab calmly held his ground and boldly saved our ailing nation the price of a phone call. He’s good like that.

Daily Distress Covers - Raab to the Rescue

Afghan Hounds

We all love to object to foreigners but when they have such similar attitudes towards women as The Daily Mail and The Daily Express, things get a bit tricky for right-wing newspapers.

Daily Distress Covers - Taliban

Those Accursed Migrants Are at it Again

Whether it happened or not, this is precisely the sort of thing that they would do! Once again, The Distress makes up the truth so you don’t have to …

Daily Distress Covers - Illegal Immigrant Ate my Hamster

Big, Fat Boris Scores Big, Fat Success

You had to be pretty naive to think that Brexit didn’t serve some kind of purpose beyond destroying the UK and its economy. Finally, our glorious Prime Minister’s plans are revealed to the nation. Obesity will soon be a thing of the past!

Daily Distress Covers - Obesity and Brexit Shortages

Royal Shame

If there’s one thing that a true Brit can’t stand, it’s the absurd idea that someone of royal birth should have to adhere to the same rules as the plebs. It’s an outrage and we are jolly outraged by it.

Daily Distress Covers - Prince Andrew

Victory!

We love the smell of victory in the morning, even if it does smell like napalm. There can be little doubt that Britain regained a special, little slice of sovereignty as we reclaimed our right to pay a fortune for phone calls.

Daily Distress Covers - Victory for Britain

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