Daily Distress covers from the last few days. Grab them while they’re hot – they’ll be covered in chip-fat by tomorrow, assuming that anyone has been able to get hold of any potatoes, of course.
We Will Fight Them on The Beaches
They might not care about much, but our glorious leaders are absolutely determined to clear up our rivers and beaches.
When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Blame Europe
Due to a growing national shortage of dead cats, a trade war seems increasingly inevitable.
COVID, What COVID?
Things could have gone a little more smoothly with the pandemic but rest assured, the PM did give it a jolly good go.
In times of public crisis, our government is always there with some clear and unambiguous advice.
Getting Gas Prices Done
For those old enough to remember The Sun.
Getting the Environment Done
He’s only gone and done it! Our Glorious Leader has come up with a simple solution to the carbon dioxide problem – just stop making the stuff.
We may measure our roads in miles and beer in pints, but we shall not sleep until we get our rods, poles, perches and tench. Actually, a perch might be a plucky British fish, but you get our point.
Reshuffling the Rubble
Even the most rabid Tory rags have to admit that Gavin Williamson is a complete and utter plank, and The Daily Distress is no different. Little did you imagine, as a child, that the thick kid in the corner would wind up running your school.
He Does it Every Time!
Yet again, Captain Berk steps in to save Christmas! Last year, he did by not doing COVID. This time around, he’s doing it by not doing Brexit.
It’s not all about flesh tones and ethnicity for the British press. These things cease to be a problem if you win a game of tennis. It’s a bit more complicated with football, but on the whole, we are an open and tolerant society. We even forgive Monsieur Farage his French name on account of his avid support of Brexit.
He Shoots, He Scores!
If there’s one thing a good tabloid loves, it’s Our Glorious Leader. We love him, you love him, if you didn’t love him, you’d be lame.
Long to Reign Over Us
On a quiet news day, it’s always worth seizing the chance to talk about royalty. In the grand tradition of the British gutter press, The Daily Distress likes the ones that aren’t called Meghan.
EU Evil Foreigners!
They’re at it again! This time it’s Polish soccer thugs hurling racial abuse at our players. Surely a job for the British press …
Panic on the Streets of Tunbridge Wells
Foreigners! Thousands of ’em! If Nigel doesn’t get his trousers dried in a hurry, we’re in BIG trouble.
Boris Does His Bit
Our Glorious Sleazer might be a chubby chappie, but he’s doing his level best to ensure that we don’t all wind up on a £110 a day take-away habit. We salute him!
Where’s the Beef?
We’d love to be able to say that we made this one up, but some credit has to go to comedy genius and minister for something-or-other Liz Truss.
We know that we haven’t always been kind to Liz Truss but we didn’t quite realise the depths of her comedic talent. We hereby apologise and would like to assure Liz that there is a job waiting for her at The Distress as soon as her political career goes too far off the rails.
Raab Keeps His Cool
Where lesser men would pick up a phone and do something to try and save the lives of Britain’s allies, Dominic Raab kept his cool. Realising that his holiday was already a tad expensive, Raab calmly held his ground and boldly saved our ailing nation the price of a phone call. He’s good like that.
We all love to object to foreigners but when they have such similar attitudes towards women as The Daily Mail and The Daily Express, things get a bit tricky for right-wing newspapers.
Those Accursed Migrants Are at it Again
Whether it happened or not, this is precisely the sort of thing that they would do! Once again, The Distress makes up the truth so you don’t have to …
Big, Fat Boris Scores Big, Fat Success
You had to be pretty naive to think that Brexit didn’t serve some kind of purpose beyond destroying the UK and its economy. Finally, our glorious Prime Minister’s plans are revealed to the nation. Obesity will soon be a thing of the past!
If there’s one thing that a true Brit can’t stand, it’s the absurd idea that someone of royal birth should have to adhere to the same rules as the plebs. It’s an outrage and we are jolly outraged by it.
We love the smell of victory in the morning, even if it does smell like napalm. There can be little doubt that Britain regained a special, little slice of sovereignty as we reclaimed our right to pay a fortune for phone calls.