Brit Trek

UPTV (Unspeakably Poor Television) is proud to present a brand new space opera – Brit Trek!

Space. The final frontier.

These are the voyages of the Spiv-ship Enterprise.

Its four year mission.

To create strange new worlds.

To seek out new scams.

And destroy civilisation.

To boldly go where no bugger has been daft enough to go before.

[WHOOOSHY MUSIC AND SUITABLY SPACEY IMAGES]

Act 1

WE JOIN THE CREW ON THE BRIDGE OF THE SPIV-SHIP ENTERPRISE. THEY ARE ON AN URGENT MISSION TO DISPOSE OF THE UK SCHOOL DINNER MOUNTAIN IN CASE IT FALLS INTO THE HANDS OF HUNGRY CHILDREN

LIEUTENANT TRUSS: Captain! There’s a Klingon Bird of Prey approaching! What shall we do?

CAPTAIN BERK: Well, gosh! That is to say, as it were, that we should probably, so to speak, take some sort of ah, action. Indeed, we should probably make a decision of some sort or other as may or may not be warranted in the circumstances. I think it was well, er … Yes! It was Pliny the Elder or perhaps, even Pliny the Younger who said, did he not? That when stuff like this happens, as it were, one should make a point of taking what one might call, I suppose, some sort of evasive action! Sunak! Take us to warp-factor two!

LIEUTENANT SUNAK: We can’t do that, Sir! We don’t have a warp drive!

CAPTAIN BERK: But, surely, we spaffed nine-hundred trillion quid on the warp drive …

LIEUTENANT SUNAK: We did, Sir, but SERCO didn’t deliver the goods!

CAPTAIN BERK: Bugger! Well, if that is, as it happens to be, the case, take us to impulse four.

LIEUTENANT SUNAK: We can’t do that, either, Sir. We’re clean out of money to throw in the furnace!

CAPTAIN BERK: Damn it, Sunak! Whatever happened to the er, magic money tree?

LIEUTENANT SUNAK: We chopped it down, Sir – when we were paving over Kent,

CAPTAIN BERK: Who’s stupid idea was that? No, no, don’t, needless to say, provide me with a response to that particular interrogative … Truss! Hail the Klingon vessel, will you?

LIEUTENANT TRUSS: Hailing on all frequencies, Sir but only the Faroes are responding. We seem to be completely isolated. The vessel is almost in firing range …

CAPTAIN BERK: Ah, we would, alas, as it were, appear to be in something of a fix. Where’s Ensign Francois? I do believe that he has won, so to speak, the odd war or two in his time!

COMMANDER GOVE: Francois is missing, Sir. Nobody has seen him for several star-dates.

CAPTAIN BERK: Have we checked, in a manner of speaking, the refrigeration unit? That, as I understand it, is a fine place to hide oneself.

COMMANDER GOVE: That was the first place we checked, Sir. It would seem that Mr Francois was so acutely embarrassed by these tight uniforms that he fled the ship in an out-size shuttle as soon as he had finished his fifth breakfast. Logic would suggest that he has ventured off in search of further sustenance.

Act 2

[KABLAMMO! THE SHIP SHAKES VIOLENTLY AND EVERYONE RUNS FROM ONE SIDE OF THE BRIDGE TO THE OTHER AND BACK AGAIN]

LIEUTENANT SUNAK: Photon torpedo strike, Sir. The shields can’t take another!

CAPTAIN BERK: Well, gosh, we must, I feel when all things are taken into consideration, fire back, as it were. Launch our own photon torpedoes!

LIEUTENANT RAAAAB: I’m afraid they don’t actually work, Sir. They were made to Harding’s own design. She was most insistent.

CAPTAIN BERK: Phasers?

LIEUTENANT RAAAAB: We sold them to Japan, Sir. We did get a whole crate of soy sauce for them.

CAPTAIN BERK: Little, round, er, spherical objects! We do, alas, seem to be up the proverbial, thingy …

LIEUTENANT TRUSS: Captain! Captain! Admiral Patel is hailing us!

CAPTAIN BERK: Yoinks!

[BERK HURRIEDLY STUFFS A COPY OF THE SPACE FORCE MANUAL DOWN THE BACK OF HIS TROUSERS]

CAPTAIN BERK: On screen!

Act 3

ADMIRAL PATEL: Berk! You snivellin’, little snot-ball. What orders did I give you?

CAPTAIN BERK: Well, Ma’am, you told me to er, as it were, relocate all of the school meals to a planet that was, so to speak, er, beyond the edge of the er galaxy to prevent, as it might be, that is to say …

ADMIRAL PATEL: Stop wafflin’, boy! What did I tell you not to do on the way?

CAPTAIN BERK: You did make your intentions somewhat clear that we should not, ah, get shot up by the Klingons, Ma’am.

ADMIRAL PATEL: And what did you do?

CAPTAIN BERK: Well, alas, we er do seem to be getting, ah, shot up by, I suppose it could be said, the er Klingons, Ma’am …

ADMIRAL PATEL: What is your problem, Berk? Do you enjoy havin’ your head pushed down the toilet? Do you have some strange penchant for Chinese burns? Leave this to me!

CAPTAIN BERK: Er, um, er, um, yes Ma’am. Thank you Ma’am.

Act 4

[A FEW MOMENTS PASS, THE KLINGON BIRD OF PREY CAN BE SEEN RAPIDLY RETREATING. ADMIRAL PATEL REAPPEARS ON THE SCREEN]

ADMIRAL PATEL: Right, you incompetent nincompoop, I’ve deported the Klingons to one of our former colonies in the Carib Cluster. It wasn’t easy. You wouldn’t believe how many records I had to destroy.

CAPTAIN BERK: Thank you, Ma’am. Er, taken in the round, as indeed it might be, and all things, ah, considered so to speak …

ADMIRAL PATEL: Stop wafflin’, boy! You owe me big time. I’m having all of your dinner money for the next four years. And, so help me, if you miss one single payment, I’ll make you wish that you’d never been born! Do you understand me?

CAPTAIN BERK: Er, yes Ma’am. That is to say, er, thank you Ma’am.

ADMIRAL PATEL: Good. So how are the school meals?

CAPTAIN BERK: Well, er, actually, Ma’am, it would, one might well say, appear that Ensign Francois ate them all before he, ah, as it were, stole the shuttle and well, er, basically buggered off to McDonald’s for his main course, so to speak.

ADMIRAL PATEL: Are you tryin’ to tell me that we’ve spent 478 squillion astro-bucks on an unnecessary mission, Captain?

CAPTAIN BERK: Erm, it might well, ah, appear to be that way, Ma’am but alas, it was actually, in approximate real terms, a shade more than the 478 squillion that you, er, happened to mention, Ma’am. Maybe, shall we say, a tad closer to er 900 squillion, but I dare say that we can …

ADMIRAL PATEL: Oh, do stop blubberin’ you grubby, little oik. How am I supposed to explain this to the taxpayers back on Earth?

COMMANDER GOVE: If I may interject, Ma’am. I would suggest that the logical course of action would be to make a specious promise relating to sovereignty. Human’s are very easily deluded, Ma’am.

ADMIRAL PATEL: I knew there was a reason I hadn’t deported you, Gove – well done, boy! Berk! Meet me by the toilets and we’ll discuss this further. It’s going to be a particularly bad-hair day for you!

[MORE WHOOSHY MUSIC, END CREDITS ETC. QUICK TRAILER FOR NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE IN WHICH THE CREW BOLDLY ATTEMPT TO FIX THE COFFEE MACHINE BY OUTSOURCING THE JOB TO AN UNQUALIFIED ACCOUNTANT WHO WENT TO THE SAME SPACE FLEET ACADEMY AS CAPTAIN BERK]

With apologies to Gene Roddenberry and everyone in the galaxy.