Rumours are rife that the BBC are planning to revitalise flagship motoring show Top Gear.
At its peak, the show attracted a regular audience of more than 7 million viewers but figures are now down to a paltry 2 million. Since the departure of Jeremy Clarkson, James May and that bloke from the Midlands, Top Gear has somehow lost its laddish charm.
Various attempts have been made to restore the program to its former glories. Superstar presenters such as that ginger haired chap off the radio, the guy who used to be in Friends and cricketing legend Freddie Flintoff have all had a go. But, as yet, no-one has managed to restore the brand’s edginess and vitality.
All that could be set to change, however. According to a well-oiled television executive that we met in a private bar in Soho, major changes are afoot. A new presenter could be set to relight the Top Gear fire. And it’s none other than our very own Katie Bobbins.
“Katie is the perfect person for the part,” he told us. “Clarkson used to work really hard at upsetting people. Katie just has to open her gob and something will hit the fan. She’s a natural! She could start a riot in an empty phone box.”
If the rumour is true, it will be the first time the show has had a female presenter since Kate Humble did it for a while. Or so we are told – we can’t remember it, either.
Will a female host alienate the traditional audience? “No, not at all” our pissed-up parasite opined. “For all her faults, Katie’s quite easy on the eye and she’s a genuine petrol-head. Anyone who can maintain an average of fifteen speeding tickets a week has to know a crankshaft from a camshaft. That lass has written off more motors than I’ve had hot dinners!”
We would ask Katie whether there is any truth in the rumour. Sadly, though, she hasn’t turned up for work this week. If anyone has seen her, please remind her that she owes us three editorials, two columns and and an extended article on particle-wave duality.