There’s no getting away from it, the first word that comes up when people discuss British politics these days is sleaze. Our leaders insist that nobody cares whether people steal a few million quid of their money from time to time, but are they right? We heroically took to the streets to ask the British people what they really think about the ongoing corruption scandal.
Cash for Cushions
The PM and his lover spent £260,000 turning their grace and favour Downing Street flat into the waiting room of a 1970’s Indian restaurant. Was it untraceable money well spent?
Dan Hodges, 52, Tabloid Hack, Lewisham: “I think people are totally missing the point when they discuss how this was paid for. They should be focussing on the delightfully ironic retro-Raj chic of the decor. No idol of mine should ever be forced to live with cheap wallpaper. If you want a country to be run well, it has to be run from a well-decorated room. The nay-sayers and the communists will tell us otherwise but as always, I am absolutely right about this. People seem to know the price of everything and the value of nothing.”
Dave Thompson, 36, Painter and Decorator, Grimsby: “I don’t care what that idiot down in Lewisham just told you, you’d have to be a right old [expletive deleted] to pay £800-odd quid for a roll of paper. Okay, if you’ve got some pig-thick client with too much money you might stretch the truth a bit, but come on! It’s a good job that bloke doesn’t have a proper job, he’d be out of business in a week.”
Edna James, 50, Recidivist, Tipton: “We had a referendum, didn’t we? Just get on with it, Boris!”
Cynthia Hedges, 82, Retired Haberdasher, Sutton Coldfield: “I do wish people would stop having a go at Boris. He’s such a nice boy and he is trying his best. He looks like he’s been dragged through a hedge backwards, mind. Look at he state of his hair!”
Marjorie West, 85, Retired Shoplifter, Bishop Auckland: “Yes, Cynthia’s right. They do keep having a go at him, don’t they? And it’s not fair. I just want to mother him and take a comb to that unruly mop. Whatever they say about him, he’s jolly good at what he does, I’m told. Whatever it might be. I read something by a young man in Lewisham that said that he’s the best thing since Mr Churchill, and he was frightfully good.”
Kenny “The Hammer” Tompkins, 63, Football Hooligan, Horsham: “It’s a disgrace! We voted for Brexit so we could get rid of Indian stuff and now it’s all over Downing Street. Not a Union Jack or a West Ham banner in sight! He’s having a giraffe. It’s time we got a proper working class bloke like Farage running things. He’d have done it proper tasteful, there’d be flags all over the shop with Nigel.”
Cash for Contracts
Government tendering processes have come under the spotlight recently, with many accusations of improprietry and “chumocracy.” Are the good people of Britain concerned about that?
Michael Scott, 42, Credit Controller, Swansea: “Well, it’s like this. When I had my shed done, I got my mate Dave to do it. We were at school together, back in the day, me and Dave were. Because he’s a mate, he didn’t need any insurance or all of that stuff and we could agree not to bother the VAT-man about it. So I saved a tidy old bit of cash, there. To me, it makes perfect sense to stick with people you know – cut a few corners and what-not. I think it’s the same thing with the government, really.”
Major Godfrey Winderton, 76, Retired Brass, Godmanchester: “Say what you like about Old Etonians, Sir! They may do dodgy things with biscuits but by God, they’ve got breeding. I am proud to serve them. Proud!”
Nadine Dorries, 63, Alcoholic, Liverpool: “Careful with that tonic, love, you’ll drown the bloody gin!”
Edna James, 50, Serial Killer, Tipton: “We had a referendum, didn’t we? Just get on with it, Boris!”
Grace Featherstone, 98, Retired Cat-food Processor, Hebdon Bridge: “I do wish they’d leave Boris alone, he’s trying ever so hard. He reminds me of that boy Bunter from the comics. You just want to pinch his chubby cheeks and straighten up his scruffy hair.”
Tracey Scrimmington, 56, Beauty Consultant, East Fife: “Say what you like about Boris’s hair, and it is awful, but look at Tony Blair’s! If that’s the state of the opposition, I’ll not be bothering to vote for any of them.”
Cash for Dyson
Eye-brows have been raised due to James Dyson being allowed to personally negotiate his own tax terms with the Prime Minister in exchange for not providing any ventilators. Does this bother the Great British public?
John Turnbull, 46, Gamekeeper, Glasgow: “Well, it stands to reason that Dyson is the chap to go to. Vacuums, hair-driers, hand-driers, desk-fans, they all blow air around, just like a ventilator, really. He’s a top guy. Why should he pay taxes? He moved all his stuff abroad years ago. If he had have delivered the goods, you can guarantee that they’d have been sleek and stylish, not like the usual clunky stuff you see in hospitals.”
Martine Crosby, 52, Cleaner, Bury St Edmunds: “I can’t see what the fuss is about. I’ve always used a Henry. They’re an awful lot more reliable and a fraction of the price.”
Ethel Cratchett, 87, Retired Fish-wife, Wokingham: “I do wish people would stop having a go at Mr Dyson. He might be a tax-dodging shyster but he is trying his very hardest.”
Edna James, 50, Lion Tamer, Tipton: “We had a referendum, didn’t we? Just get on with it, Boris!”
Kirstie Alldross, 49, Gobshite, Hampstead: “Non-existent germs never killed anybody. Who cares if Dyson made a few quid out of them? What about the freedom of my children to fly economy while I’m in first class? That’s what I’d like to know.”
Cash for Covid
Ireland paid about a million quid for a quickly delivered and fully-functioning track and trace system. The UK has, so far, spaffed an eye-watering £37 billion on a piece of vapourware via an old school chum of David Cameron’s. That’s over £500 per head. We were confident that the great unwashed would at least have a view on this one.
June Mummified, 57, Politician, Lowestoft: “£37 billion is a lot of money and that’s exactly what we were spending on fishes every five minutes when we in the EU, that is. At least, I think it is. I could never be arsed to turn up to any meetings, to be honest.”
Trevor Pigeon, 62, Talk Radio Listener, Watford: “If the Tories cocked it up this badly, imagine how bad it would have been with that Jeremy Corbyn. He’d have given that to black, lesbian, human-rights in bloody Bongobongoland in the blink of an eye, he would. At least the Tories look out for working class white blokes like me. You couldn’t spare me a roll-up, could you, son?”
Mavis McCartney, 86, Retired Clippie, Chesham: “I do wish people wouldn’t keep having a go at Boris. He’s got such a cheeky smile and I’m sure he’s doing the very best that he can in such trying times. The last time I did one of these, that Laura said she’d send me a postal order for five pounds. Can you ask her why I haven’t received it yet? I said everything she told me to. I hate to ask but we do have the lowest pensions in Europe.”
Jordan Grinton, 28, Post-grad PPE Student, Oxford: “I think the real question is why Southgate can’t play both Mount and Grealish in the same side. I know Grealish only plays for Villa but he’s an absolute baller and he was clocking up loads of points for my fantasy team before he got injured. I always pick him in FIFA and he never lets me down.”
Edna James, 50, Bogus Charity Collector, Tipton: “We had a referendum, didn’t we? Just get on with it, Boris!”
Diane Harding, 52, Fraudster, Windscombe: “It’s not easy to knock up a system with 30 year-old spreadsheets and sellotape, you know. If anyone thinks I’m taking the proverbial, they can jolly well run that by my husband who’s in charge of investigating such things. I’ll have you know that I’m jolly good at business and stuff. Jolly good. And I’m excellent value for money.”
Sleaze? What Sleaze?
For the first time in its history, The Daily Distress has been able to prove the government right. People really don’t care if the government steal off them left, right and centre. Move on folks, there’s nothing to see here!