There are plenty of strange people arguing about fish of late, but what do our plucky, British fish think about what’s going on with all the Brexit shenanigans? In this Daily Distress vox pop special, we send our intrepid underwater reporter, Jack Clouseau out on the sub-aquatic streets to find out what the nation’s embattled fish have to say.
EDNA JAMES (Sardine, Benefit Fraudster, Humber): We had a referendum, didn’t we? Just get on with it, Boris!
‘BIG MOUTH’ BILLY BASS (Sea Bass, Entertainer, North Utsere): I’ve not sung Don’t Worry, Be Happy since 2016, it just doesn’t seem right. My repertoire has been reduced to Take me to the River and I barely get a gig these days. Nice one, Brexiters!
‘WOR SPRATTIE’ MILBURN (Sprat, Shopkeeper, Tyne): They always seem to be banging on about cod but only soft southern shites eat the stuff! It’s a bottom-feeder, fish, man! What about the haddock? That’s what I’d like to know! Is any bugger going to think about the haddock?
MARY O’LEARY (Plaice, Nurse, Malin Head): I’m lucky in that my dad’s Irish so I can still get a proper passport rather than one of those crappy blue things that are made in France. It’s great that I’m still able to swim around but I’m not looking forward to the poverty or the restricted diet.
‘BIG’ HARRY GRESHAM (Sole, Football Hooligan, Dover): It’s about time them bleeding liberals learnt a lesson, innit? I’m English, mate. English as fish and chips. I ain’t never liked no foreign fish. Nothing personal, like. I just hate ’em. If we have to starve ourselves to get rid of the buggers, that’s alright with me, pal. I tell you what, he’s a good ‘un, that Rees Moggy, one of the lads, not like them elite tossers. Do you like me new tat? My missus done it. Good, innit?
FINTON McTAVISH (Moray Eel, White Van Fish, Cromarty): Well, initially, I was quite taken with Nigel Farage on account of him looking so much like we do, but it turned out he’s a right slippery eel.
HELMUT SCHUMACHER (Skate, Brain Surgeon, Portsmouth): I have lived and worked here for 26 years. Would that idiot Cameron give me a vote? Oh, no! Now that bloody, crazy dwarf woman wants to deport my kids to Jamaica. I’m rapidly losing my sense of humour.
GREG DOBBS (Pollock, Shop Fitter, Irish Sea): We’ll be fine with the WWF, mate. I read about it in the paper. Can’t see what the fuss is about. It’s not like we’re not going to have no more shops, is it?
TARQUIN CHESTERTON-SMYTHE (Monkfish, Wine Importer, Portland): Those libtard, remainders make one chortle. How could this possibly affect the wine trade?
JOAN RUSSELL (Guppy, Clerical Assistant, Lundy): I don’t know why the European whatsit is being so stroppy. If we have to buy some French warships to sort out the bloody French, then so be it. All these fish banging on about their fishy rights and health and safety and whatnot, it makes me sick. It’s political correctness gone mad, it is. My mum didn’t fight in three world wars so we could eat bloody camembert. And she always voted Tory. We might have been poor, but we were always Tory.
MARTHA JENKINS (Pilchard, Civil Engineer, Fastnet): I do wish that other fish would stop calling Bozo a pilchard. It’s more than a little insensitive.
HARRY ROCKFISH (Rockfish, Retired, Thames): Now, I like John Redwood, he’s got a good healthy obsession with fish and our role in British history. But if he was to come round here, advocating some idiot no-deal Brexit in my name, I would have to say “Oi! Redwood! No! You may be the foremost fish-fancier in Berkshire but if you think it’s okay to put my entire family out of work and force us to stock-pile toilet paper at the same time, you’ve got another think coming! Well, I’d have to give him a slap with a wet kipper, wouldn’t I?