With the government poised to adopt extraordinary measures against seemingly non-existent voter fraud, questions have been raised as to the motivation behind the move.
A leaked House of Commons memorandum would appear to explain the plan in rather unsettling detail. Speculation is rife as to the identity of the sender of the memo, who names himself as “Special Advisor X”.
A full transcript of the communication appears below. Please forward to as many people as possible before M15 forces us to remove it.
TO: The PM
FROM Special Advisor X
Glad to see we’re going full-steam ahead with the fight against voting. Before you came up with the idea, we had a little brainstorm. We’ve come up with a few suggestions that I’m sure that you will take on board.
The big question, of course, will always be what constitutes adequate ID. We must maintain a reasonable balance between those that we include and those that we chose to exclude.
Some forms of identification are pretty-well self-selecting, so we’ll get those out of the way, first.
Golf club membership cards
Golf clubs are the natural home of the aspirational peasant and it is rare to find a golfer of an unsound ideology. Nobody, but nobody, would join a golf club just so they could vote for the Trots, so I think we have it covered on the security angle.
Hunt membership cards
Anyone who likes to torment small, furry animals, will be delighted with some of your new policies. I’ll tell you all about those in a separate memo. I think that you’ll like them.
I think we can sell this one on good manners, alone. If a chap went to Eton, it’s hardly the done thing to ask him for some pettifogging details. False ties will not be an issue – one simply knows.
Triple-platinum American Express cards
Dido has one and she had to fill in all manner of internetty things to get one. She even had to sign for the package. These fellows have got it sorted on the anti-fraud front. They’re a natural option.
So far, so good but we are still at suspiciously low numbers of voters, so we have to broaden the net with some slightly more sensitive options.
I hate to say it but we’ll probably have to concede that these should be considered valid. We sold the crappy blue ones pretty hard and people aren’t going to want to hear that they’re no use here, either. Some Smart Alec is bound to point out that there are more cases of passport fraud than voter fraud, but you’ll just have to wing it.
Again, we may have to sway towards public opinion with this one. They are quite attached to the things and they do have photos on them. It may be worth exploring ties with certain car manufacturers to somehow lubricate the process. Rolls, Bentley, that lot that makes Transit vans, and such should steer us towards the right sort of voter. If the worst comes to the worst, at least it’s one in the eye for the Greens.
Provisional driving licenses
We should do our best to hold out against this. They’re very much skewed to an undesirably young demographic. There’ll be a bit of whining from the YCs, of course, but we could always placate them with triple-platinum American Express cards. We did consider allowing YC badges to be used but we did feel that we’d really be slapping the public’s faces with our willies. Fun, but sadly, not worth the risk until this Bill gets sorted.
That pretty much exhausts the options that are already out there and brings us to the good bit.
We’ll have a pretty large pool of disenfranchised voters at this point, a number of whom should be both encouraged to vote and pay for the privilege. We’ll create a reasonably exclusive card and sell it through an independent front. The Harding method would seem to be the obvious model in order to assure that we all benefit.
This still leaves some of our support out of the loop, though. Like it or not, we need those monkey-hanging plebs in Hartlepool more than ever, right now. And we have the perfect solution.
We, the magnanimous government, will buy cards for the poor! The taxpayer pays Harding, Harding pays us, and we look great into the bargain. The working poor will be means-tested out of the equation, whilst every Express-reading pensioner and Sun-reading layabout will be giving us cash and votes at the same time. Sometimes I could kiss myself.
As you can see, Alex, this last part of the plan really puts the icing on the cake. So happy that you are on board with this.
Best regards to Carrie,