The Secret Diary of Jesus Christ (Aged 2020 and Three Quarters)

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The Daily Distress is honoured to share Jesus’ diary as He tries to navigate His way through the sheer hell of England in 2020.

Daily Distress satirical articles. The Secret Diary of Jesus Christ (Aged 2020 and three quarters)

Chapter 1, Verse 1. September 17th, 2020



The second coming has been something of a disappointment so far. I was rather expecting a few more improvements to have been made during my lengthy sabbatical. On the positive side, Pharaohs no longer seem to be a thing in Egypt and the Romans have reigned it in a bit. But that really does seem to be about it.

I notice that there have been some rather lovely buildings erected in my name, which is quite humbling. But there aren’t many people being nice to each other. I think, on reflection, I’d very much prefer that to the buildings but saviours can’t be choosers, I suppose.

Daily Distress satirical articles, Jesus' Diary
Very nice but no substitute for human decency

Maybe things would seem a bit brighter if Dad had sent me somewhere other than England. He’s always had a thing for sending me to trouble spots and I totally get that. It does make a nice change from the Middle East, which was always a bit too hot for my liking. That said, it would be a bit more appealing if it didn’t rain every single day.

Plague

The place seems to be in the middle of a plague right now. I can only suspect that Dad got a bit pissed off with the government. He hasn’t changed much while I’ve been away and He’s never been a fan of poor leadership.

The locals are a funny bunch, they largely seem to think that the plague is a bad thing but then take every effort to catch it. This place is certainly going to take some getting used to!

Traffic jams


One of the biggest changes has been to how people get around. There are very few horses and all the donkeys seem to be metaphorical. The motorised chariot now seems to be the favoured mode of transport. Quite why sitting in a stationary queue in a vehicle capable of travelling at over a hundred miles per hour is so popular, absolutely baffled me for while. Then I caught a train and it all became clear.

Nobody ever said that progress has to be a good thing.

Food


Eating seems to be a lot harder than it was in the old days. I was feeling a tad peckish after a couple of millennia and nipped into Tesco’s for a cheeky baguette. Back in Galilee, I managed to feed 5,000 people in less time than it took to get served. And some bastard had plastered the thing with mayonnaise! Why, in the name of my Father, can nobody make a proper cheese sandwich these days? It’s hardly rocket science!

The feeding of the 5000.  Daily distress satirical articles - Jesus' Diary
So much easier than the supermarket.

Modern life is certainly going to take a lot of getting used to. Maybe it will all make a little more sense when I’ve had a few days to settle in.

Hopes that it would simply be a case of showing up and telling everyone to be nice to each other are rapidly fading. I think I’m going to need a cunning plan …

Read Verse 2