Saint Jeremy

Various books have been removed from the Bible over the centuries for all sorts of reasons. The Protevangelion, for example, was removed because nobody was quite sure how to pronounce Protevangelion. The Book of Enoch got the chop due to a copyright dispute with the makers of Battlestar Galactica. The two Books of Maccabees were removed, quite simply, because they rambled on a bit. The Book of Saint Jeremy was banned by the Council of Nicea because they felt it made a mockery of the whole business of sainthood.

Saint Jeremy

Were they right to do so? Decide for yourself as we bring you the full and unexpurgated text of this classic of forgotten scripture.

A New Hope

Chapter 1

  1. And on the 8th day, the Lord created Jeremy.
  2. And He looked upon His work and He saw that it was good.
  3. The Lord did telleth the Momentumites to returneth to their constituencies and prepareth for power.
  4. The Momentumites rejoiced for their Saviour had come unto them.
  5. All was good in Heaven and upon the Earth and in Islington.
The Lord creating Saint Jeremy
The Lord creating Jeremy

Chapter 2

  1. Though he had been born unto a rich man, the Saviour did join the Labourites.
  2. Leader after leader whipped Jeremy but he would not be cowed.
  3. Rarely would he voteth with his party.
  4. For here was the spirit of loyalty that the Momentumites justly demanded of those that opposed them.

Corbynator : Genesis

Chapter 3

  1. Jeremy didst bideth his time.
  2. For he knew that his day would cometh.
  3. One day Edward did snacketh upon a bacon sandwich.
  4. Badly.
  5. Jeremy didst seize his chance to lead the Momentumites to glory.
  6. And thus, he didst take control of the Labourites and declare his intention to rebuildeth the world to reflect the Glory of Islington.
  7. And he did voweth that no leader should ever eateth a bacon sandwich again, lest it cause distress unto his enemies.
Islington - the promised land
The Promised Land

Chapter 4

  1. “My red is redder than thine red” declareth Jeremy to all those with ears to hear.
  2. And the Momentumites applaudeth.
  3. For they, too, are redder than thou and dwell in Islington at the right hand of the Lord.

The Force Awakens

Chapter 5

  1. Jeremy didst enter the palace of the Pharoahs.
  2. The Pharoah, who was known as Dave was a weak and feeble man. Dave was easier to smiteth down than a fish in a barrel.
  3. Jeremy did arm himself with a scroll from a lady in Sunderland called Doreen and he did set about the feeble Pharoah.
  4. And the Lord smiled upon him.
  5. For all things were good.

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Chapter 6

  1. There cameth a plague of Faragites and the land was thrust into dark turmoil.
  2. As the Labourites did recoil in horror from the plague, Jeremy didst embrace it.
  3. In a non-commital way.
  4. “How else,” he asked, “may I nationaliseth the corner shop?”
  5. “How else may I nationaliseth the inn?”
  6. And the Momentumites did noddeth sagely.
  7. And hoped that it would all go away.

The Empire Strikes Back

Chapter 7

  1. DIsaster swept the nation.
  2. The Putinstines did aideth the Faragites and the nation was lost.
  3. The Pharoah was overwhelmed and didst resign in order to spendeth more time with his hooky accountant.
  4. The Empress Theresa was appointed to the throne and didst declare her intention to surrender to the Faragites lest she deriveth disfavour from The Daily Express.
  5. Jeremy’s faith was shaken.
  6. One day on the road to Dagenham, however, Jeremy’s eye was drawn to a privately ownded laundrette upon the roadside.
  7. The Lord did speak unto Jeremy and he knew what was to be done.
  8. Jeremy didst align himself with the evil Empress in order that he might nationalise the laundrette that had offended his eye.
Daily Express celebrates Pompeii
The Daily Express – it hasn’t improved

Chapter 8

  1. And it came to pass that the Faragites inherited the Earth though Jeremy didst insist that he had done something or other to opposeth them.
  2. The Empress Theresa didst go the way of all weak and feeble minds and didst retire to the lucrative, after-dinner speech circuit.
  3. A new Pharoah emerged in the form of a shambolic golem named Boris.
  4. The Pharoah didst dress as a clown and loudly proclaimed his fecklessness.
  5. He didst then challenge Jeremy to a duel.

Saint Jeremy – Into Darkness

Chapter 9

  1. As preparation were made for the duel, many, though they be Labourites of many generations, didst stand behind the clown.
  2. Though he was armed with the jawbone of a jabbering donkey, Jeremy was mightily smitten to Kingdom Come.
  3. The Clown King didst procedeth to destroy the nation.
  4. The Momentumites didst not abandon their faith, however.
  5. They did decree that Jeremy wouldst have won the duel had it not been for the evil hand of The Daily Express.
  6. And “red Tories”.
  7. And the Bethlehem Broadcasting Corporation.
  8. And Keir Starmer.
  9. And Rod Hull.
  10. And Emu.
  11. And anybody else who’s name be not Jeremy.
  12. And they didst beatify Jeremy and maketh of him a saint.
Pharoah Boris the Clown
Pharoah Boris

Chapter 10

  1. Britain wept.
You don’t have to be Nadine Dorries in order to start your day with a stylish cup of gin.

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Historical Note

The famous laundrette on the road to Dagenham remains in private ownership. It will do until it goes out of business in the very near future. This is due to a pledge made to the tribes of Japan that replicated the agreement on state aid originally struck with the free and sovereign nations of Europe.

As one Biblical scholar put it, “Saint Jeremy pretty much pissed on his own chips with that one.” We make no comment, we simply present the facts as they are recorded in the Book of Jeremy. And as that’s pretty well, sort of, in The Bible, you can’t really argue with that.