It’s a little known fact that all newly elected MPs of all sides are issued with a political phrase book on election to the House. The Bobbins’ dictionary, first published in 1869, has provided generations of Members with a treasure chest of timeless flim-flam.
The book, known to insiders as “The Bible”, has always been closely guarded. However, after years of trying, one of our intrepid reporters finally managed to locate a copy at a house of ill-repute in Penge.
Here are a few of the entries:
Difficult decisions – We had to shaft somebody and we thought of you!
Perfectly simple – This is going to wind up looking like an explosion in a spaghetti factory. And that’s if we’re lucky.
We will prioritise dot-dot-dot – We really should have thought about dot-dot-dot long before now.
We fully realise – Whatever!
Viewed in the round – Let me just add some deflection here, we’re veering a little close to the actual subject.
Spectacular success – Well, it wasn’t as bad as Chernobyl. Fewer people died, anyway.
We have invested more money than ever – Inflation is rampant right now.
I have every faith in so-and-so – So-and-so is so taking the fall when this one hits the fan!
A great opportunity – We’ve just stuck the entire budget on an outsider in the 3:30 at Newmarket. Don’t worry, though, the bloke who gave me the tip is mustard. He even said he’d buy me a drink if it doesn’t come in.
We care passionately – Do you know what this is? It’s the world’s smallest violin!
Patriotic duty – I really haven’t got a single coherent argument for this but if we wrap it in the flag, the suckers will buy it.
I think that you will find – Please, please, please, don’t do any research on this!
Fake news – Some bastard told the truth about me.
Thank you for your support – There really is one born every minute.
I have every confidence – Please, God! I’m miles out of my depth here.
This is a temporary measure – We have no intention whatsoever of ever repealing this.
Stimulate the economy – We’re funnelling even more of your money to our mates.
I share your concern – Is that actually “a thing?”
We have taken expert advice – Our press officer says ..
I wholeheartedly recommend this Bill – the Chief Whip has some very interesting photographs of me and my best friend’s wife and/or daughter.
We’re all in this together – I must remember to call that chap who’s going to paint my yacht.
The future is bright – Burn, baby, burn! I’ll do just fine on the after-dinner speaking circuit and you lot will learn the valuable lesson that votes have consequences. Everyone’s a winner!