Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un has come up with an exciting and practical alternative to delaying the 2020 Olympic Games.
It was initially suggested that the games be held in 2021, but even a twelve-month delay cannot guarantee that the event will remain unaffected by the pandemic.
The Supreme Leader, however, has an ingenious solution to the crisis:
“The major issue with international competition is the sheer number of competitors involved” explained the Wise and Noble Exemplar of All Things Good. “And that got me thinking. Why do we need all these Jamaican javelin throwers, Polish pole-vaulters and Lithuanian long-jumpers? Seriously, who really cares about anything other than which country wins? Can you remember who won the steeple-chase in 2016? I, sure as hell, can’t. So, here’s my alternative: ditch the athletes and let the leaders do everything!”
The Glorious Master of All Things Betwixt Heaven and Earth’s eyes light up as he explains his magnificent proposition.
“You have all the events like usual but only the presidents take part. Some will say this is unfair as North Korea will win everything but that’s not the case. My exalted friend Vladimir, the Deputy Leader of the Free World, will probably win a couple of the equine things because he likes poncing around on a horse, so there’s a few medals to be had by Russia for starters. Added to which, I won’t be in the velodrome as I see the bicycle as a symbol of western decadence, so there’ll be a few medals up for grabs there. Maybe China, Vietnam, Laos or some other half-decent country can pick up one or two of those.”
When questioned on the prospect of any European medals, the Source of All Wonder laughed heartily.
“Can you really see Angela Merkel in a running race? I’ll have finished before she gets off the start line! That fat blob from Britain would get out of breath tying his bootlaces, even if he knew how to do it, and as for that Macron! Well, let’s just say that he’s French …”
When asked how team sports would function, the Fount of All Knowledge was a little less certain but no less confident. “We’ll think of a way, for sure”, he said. “Obviously we’ll play rush goalies in the football but synchronised swimming might be a bit more awkward. I have a couple of days to come up with a plan, though, and I’m more than confident that I’ll come up with the perfect solution. I always do.”
If the proposal is ratified by the International Olympic Committee, the games could take place in Pyongyang next Thursday.