Scientists have warned of the exponential growth of a new subset of Covid-19, the Corona-vert.
Whilst the new viral strain doesn’t share the deadly properties of its progenitor, Corona-verts have been known to reduce grown men to tears and are believed to be responsible for a rising epidemic of smashed television screens. Official data has yet to be released by the ONS but many health experts believe that unless an effective vaccine can be found, Corona-verts could lead to massive rises in hypertension and mental health issues.
The Corona-vert strain has developed with a rapidity not seen since the heyday of the Black Death and attempts to counter it by social distancing have not only failed to reduce the infection rate but may actually be feeding the virus.
The virus comes in several forms, from the relatively mild ‘A’ variant to the incredibly dangerous ‘F’ mutation but doctors probably believe that some of the less documented strains could actually cause more damage in the medium to long-term. An unnamed government spokesman today suggested that unless action is taken immediately, complete societal collapse could occur within the next few hours.
Here is a handy, cut out and keep guide to this sinister, new disease and its many forms:
Corona-vert 20A: You’re going to die so you might as well use us:
For many, of course, death is a living and it would be churlish to deny undertakers, funeral arrangers and life-insurers the right to advertise their services. But are their constant reminders of our impending doom actually hastening our demise? A doctor that we met in the park says that the answer is an unequivocal “yes”. “It’s common sense, really, isn’t it?” explained the doctor who has asked to be unnamed, “If they’re going to bang on constantly about how you’re going to cark it, well it stands to reason doesn’t it?”
Corona-vert 20B: We care a lot so give us your money:
It is, of course, a well known fact that large corporations care about nothing more than the welfare and well-being of the general public. It’s there in the mission statements: a deeply held commitment to equity, equality and all things positive. These are the things that firms truly care about, making maximum profit for minimal customer service is merely a means to an end.
Whilst it’s great to be reminded from time to time that your bank’s number one priority is your mental health, could constant repetition of this message prove to be counterproductive?
Doctor Stanton Phipps-Colon, Professor of Psychology at some former CoFE in Birmingham argues that this may well be the case. He told a Daily Distress reporter that while he found it initially reassuring to discover that a certain high street bank cared so passionately about mental health, the constant, grinding repetition of the message was really starting to get on his tits.
“If [that lot with the horse who can’t be named for legal reasons] really gave a toss about mental health, they could just stick a few quid in everyone’s account and relax in the knowledge that they’d done something to help. As it is, they’ll be getting an invoice for a new television set after I went at the old one with a claw hammer when their bloody ad came on for the fourth time during the same episode of Judge Rinder.”
Corona-vert 20C: Hey! Did you know that we’re in lock-down?
It would seem that most of the public are fully aware that we’re in the middle of a Covid-19 pandemic, but for those wondering what they’re doing sitting at home watching game shows and trying to figure out why the kids are at home, help is at hand.
“Things are a little different right now …” we are repeatedly told, on the off-chance that it may have slipped our minds. As we slip towards a state of momentary relaxation we are reminded at least five times every fifteen minutes of the clear and present danger that lurks outdoors.
The long-term health effects of employing military grade scare tactics to sell soap and disinfectant are unknown but senior scientific advisers are already raising concerns. My neighbour Trevor, who has an ‘A’ level in physics, believes that if C20C is not dealt with quickly, many deaths could occur. “I’m going to find those sods who make those bleach adverts and kill every last, single one of ’em” he explained to the Daily Distress’s Health Editor.
Corona-vert 20D: We’re gonna touchy-feel you to death, sucker!
Of all the known forms of C20, C20D is perhaps the one that poses the most significant short-term danger to human life.
Employing a potentially lethal cocktail of children, tearful women and primary school poetry set to heart-wrenching music, C20D directly attacks the coronary system.
“The heart is a powerful yet remarkably flexible organ” explained leading medical student Nigel Thribb but he went on to warn that “while it can adapt to a surprisingly wide range of temperatures, constant uni-directional warming of the heart can lead to a massive surge in blood pressure which when combined with severe wrenching of the myocardial tissue [also known as ‘heart-strings’] could lead to all sorts of long-term issues.”
Corona-vert 20E: We’re the fourth, fifth or six emergency service.
There is a suggestion that C20E may not share its origins with other C20 strains but it does share their pernicious qualities and follows an alarmingly similar distribution pattern.
A lady claiming to be a virologist in the queue at the local supermarket shared her views: “20E is a curious thing, it’s so much like a regular C20 in so many ways but it can actually be traced back to several years ago when those tossers in the car club claimed to be the ‘fourth emergency service.’ Can you believe that? It was like ‘sod the coastguard, we can change spark plugs and whatever.'”
However it developed, C20E is now reaching epidemic levels with numerous organisations now pretending to be part of the government or the NHS.
“The best advice I can give” said our virologist “is firstly, that you should never drink bleach and secondly, that if you don’t realise that generic ibuprofen in a fancy box is just generic ibuprofen at vastly inflated prices then you probably deserve to get ripped off anyway”.
Corona-vert 20F: Government ‘flu.
The private sector does not have a monopoly on scaremongering and inducing depression. It’s only fair that sometimes our elected government gets to have a go.
To this end, the government will often unleash the highly charismatic Chris Whitty on our screens to give us some simple and necessary advice to the effect that we should all refrain from inessential mingling. This all seems perfectly reasonable and straightforward.
Sadly, however, these notifications have become the unwitting carriers of the mysterious C20F infection.
The full effects of C20F are, as yet, undocumented but there is mounting evidence that one of the most powerful effects of contamination is short term memory loss. It is believed that in extreme cases, the temporary amnesia created by the disease is so intense that it can cause even the most dedicated public servants to forget the policies that they have created.
In one particularly severe case, a man was found aimlessly roaming the countryside some 290 miles from home. When questioned the victim was only able to recall that he was due for an eye-test.
Whilst such extreme cases are thankfully rare, many key mental health workers believe that evidence of this condition can be found on beaches and parks across the country.
Have you or your family been affected by Corona-vert 20? If so, contact the BBC, they’ve probably got a helpline.