Hi, I’m Lance Flittwit, star of stage and screen. You’ve probably seen me in such classics as The Night of the Giant Hamsters and Skippy Goes to Bangkok. You will have loved my cameos in The Bill and Casualty and may even have caught my legendary performance in The Old Harrovian’s Gang Show.
If you’re as privileged as I am, you may even have heard me play the guitar.
But we’re not here today, simply to discuss my brilliance. I have an exciting new venture which I wish to share with you. And you can be involved with it from the start!
Do you often feel disenfranchised by the lack of lunatic fringe political parties in Britain? I know I do. Okay, there’s the Conservatives, the SWP, the BCP, the DUP, UKIP, the Brexit Party, the British National Party, the Heritage Party and probably a couple more that Nigel has launched while I’ve been writing this, but it really isn’t enough. Not one of these parties is doing what I need it do – lining my pockets.
That is why I am launching a new political party, a party with a difference. The Auction party may sound like just another home for swivel-eyed lunatics who pine for the days of rationing but we have a unique selling point! With the Auction Party, you are in complete control because you can buy a policy online! No more clandestine meetings, no more paid lobbyists, no more boring debates – you buy it, we back it! It’s as easy as that.
How does it work?
It’s simple! Just like our rivals, we started with a set of policies filched from a random selection of Daily Express editorials and particularly vitriolic Twitter posts but then we allowed you, our members, to change them!
If, for example, you don’t agree with our policy of teaching badger baiting as part of the National Curriculum, just tell us which subject you’d like to see taught instead and make a donation. The largest donor wins!
No other party offers such an openly democratic system. Sure, some might be open to a little bribery from Russian oligarchs but they do not offer such a service to plebs like you. At the Auction Party, you might even secure a major policy for as little as one pound.
Here is a list of our current manifesto pledges and what it would cost you to change them:
Focus on the positive aspects of pollution and hope it goes away. £250.01 – Parker’s Propane Products.
Legalise fly-tipping. £5.01 – Honest Dave’s Removals, Smethwick.
Concrete over the New Forest. £5.01 – Tompkinson’s Concrete Services, Hampshire.
Leave with the maximum amount of chaos and financial devastation. £1,068,457.32 – Mr. P., Moscow.
Free relocation to tax havens for Brexit backers. £300.01 – J.R., Monaco.
Paint “Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough” on the White Cliffs of Dover £5.01 – Harry the Dog, Millwall.
We had a referendum, didn’t we? Just get on with it, Boris! £1.01 – Edna James, Tipton.
Ban it. £23.54 – Mrs M. Whitehouse, Tring.
Show Lance Flittwit’s episode of Casualty every night. £1.01 – Lance Flittwit.
Show Bilko after Newsnight and turn BBC Parliament into the Tom Baker channel. £5.01 – The Daily Distress.
Force all council houses to display English flags whatever country they are in. £2.51 – Tarquin Yaxley-Baxley-Pinkerton-Trunks, address supplied.
Sell Scotland to Donald Trump so he can build more golf courses. £1.76 – Tarquin Yaxley-Baxley-Pinkerton-Trunks, address supplied.
Law and Order
Reintroduce the death penalty for immigration. £5.01 Nigel F., Farnborough.
Daily flogging of female prisoners to be performed by Major Aubrey Whittington-White. £25.01 – Major Aubrey Whittington-White, Chipping Sodbury.
Sell the NHS to the USA. £250.01 – Mr. T., Washington DC.
Triple hospital car-parking fees. £1,000.01 – International Car Parks, Everywhere.
Fight Coronavirus with tin-foil hats. £2.51 – D. Icke, Coventry City.
Compulsory alt-right brainwashing of children. £5.01 – T. McVey, Liverpool.
Let children know that the Royal Family are giant reptiles and that Cthulhu is using 5G to scramble their brains. £2.51 – D. Icke, Coventry City.
Badger baiting to be added to the National Curriculum. £1.01 – Lance Flittwit.
Glue people to trains to make some bizarre kind of point that no-one quite gets. £1.01 – X.R., London.
Cancel HS2. £226.37 – Half of Warwickshire.
There are millions of other issues that you may wish me to campaign on and I can think of millions of reasons for doing so! Whatever changes you would like to see in our beloved country, just fill in the form below and make a donation. It’s easy!
The major parties would charge you an arm and a leg for a service like this, we let you do it for as little as a quid.
If you’ve ever wanted to have a direct influence on a political party, this is the best chance that you will ever get. Get busy! Be creative and be generous!
Lance Flitwitt Esq. (future PM)