Our superstar columnist, Katie Bobbins, takes a trip to the seaside …
I woke up this morning with a song in my heart. The sun shone brightly on this blessed plot that we call England, so I decided to visit my local beach.
Armed with some canapes, a bottle or two of Pimm’s and some appropriate greenery to throw in it, I made my way from London to Bournemouth for a quiet day of outdoor study.
Imagine my horror, therefore, when I arrived and discovered that thousands of grockles, as we locals like to call them, had invaded the town.
Reader, it was horrendous! People, if we can call them that, from-far flung places such as Salisbury and Eastleigh. There were even some from the far north – Watford, Northampton and, God help us, Cheltenham Spa.
Katie goes forth
Not one to be deterred by a major incident, I shooed away a few obstructive children and took my spot. I pitched the parasol, splashed on the factor-90, opened the trusty old copy of Mein Kampf and poured myself a drink. A perfect way to spend a Summer’s day.
The idyll was to be short lived. Some frightful woman with something of a West Country accent approached me and asked me if I was aware that we should all be socially distancing. As you can imagine, I gave her rather short shrift. As a top, international, minor celebrity, I am obviously aware of all things. How dare she imagine otherwise? To cause further offence, this dreadful creature not only claimed that she did not recognise me but suggested that I should head for home!
For once in my life, I was momentarily dumbstruck. There I was, practically in my own back yard, being treated like a tourist by some terrible south-western type.
Now, I am all for social distancing, I certainly have no burning desire to be close to the lower orders, but surely this is something that Bournemouth needs to work on. We simply cannot admit all and sundry whilst failing to respect the rights of the local population.
The (final) solution
Social distancing has failed and we need a new way to fight this ‘flu epidemic.
Unlike Sir Kier Starmer, I don’t just criticise – I suggest alternatives. And here is mine, and it’s perfectly simple. Let’s replace social distancing with economic distancing.
We simply allocate nice places to nice people and not-so-nice places to the others. That way, everyone has somewhere appropriate to go. Simply put up a sign on each park and beach stating a minimum income requirement for entry. Then we can all live in perfect harmony.
Well, obviously, there’d need to be some fine tuning. Especially when it comes to certain issues, but I’m not really allowed to say anything controversial these days. So, I won’t. But you catch my drift.
And remember: Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein Katie!