How to Feed Your Kids for Pennies

Hi, I’m Kirstie Alldross, and it’s a pleasure to share my life with you. Normally I’d be here to promote my new TV series, Life and How to Live It (coming soon on Netflix) and my new book Calm with Kirstie (only £29.99). But in this time of national crisis, I’m here to share some special advice about how to feed your kids for pennies. Why? Because I’m good like that. Where other people would engage in shameless self-promotion, this legendary lifestyle-guru is here to help!

kirstie alldross



I know from bitter experience how difficult is when the children are home for the school holidays – how difficult it is to remember to feed them and just how expensive it can be.

Plan Your Week

As with all ventures, it is important to plan the living daylights out of it. We must be prepared and it is vital to draw up a list.

Start with a blank sheet of paper and write down an idea for each day. Some days will be easy to plan but others may require a little more creativity. But, don’t worry, we’ll get there!

Your own schedule may differ a little from mine, but the fundamental principle is the same. Let me inspire you by sharing my own weekly plan.

Sunday

Sundays are always a little tricky chez moi as I like to give my weekly dinner party. This means that my chef, Michel, gets to hog the kitchen for most of the day so the kids have to eat something cold. A packet of biscuits makes an ideal brunch and they’re very cheap. The ones that I buy are £25 but I suspect that where you shop, they’re 50p or thereabouts.

daily distress UK satire humourdaily distress UK satire humour

That should keep them going until tea-time, when another packet will see them through to bedtime.

This won’t be our cheapest day but we’ve still made it through for a pretty impressive quid per kid!

Monday

With all the left-overs from the dinner party, Mondays are a breeze. Simply take the left-over lobster, chop up some salad, toss in a few olives, et voila! A lobster salad made entirely of things that you’d otherwise throw away. This trick can be repeated at dinner time with whatever’s left from the previous night’s desserts presented as a cold collation.

daily distress UK satire humourdaily distress UK satire humour


Two days down and we’re averaging 50p per child per day!

Tuesday

Tuesday is a the perfect day to try out a new restaurant but don’t worry, we’re not paying!

Tuesday is a slow and anxious day in many eateries, so a quick “Yes, it really is me!” and a subtle mention of the size of your Twitter following should land you a right old beano on the house.

Order freely. Take a doggie-bag. Kids are fed.

daily distress UK satire humourdaily distress UK satire humour

It really is that easy. Another free day!

Wednesday

Wednesday is my regular shooting day but don’t worry, there won’t be any feather-plucking or icky stuff involved in Kirstie’s world.

daily distress UK satire humourdaily distress UK satire humour


There’s always a cracking spread laid on at these things and a Barbour jacket has generous pockets. That’s a fabulous free feast for both you and the kids!

Thursday

Thursday is stay in and cook with the kids day! I just pick the best looking meal-kit that I’ve been sent from people wanting to be on my Amazon Influencer page and write a review for all of them.

daily distress UK satire humourdaily distress UK satire humour

Bunty and the boy absolutely love it!

Another day catered for and we’ve still only spent £2 on the pair of them!

Friday

Friday evenings are the peak time for takeaway meals so this gives us a perfect opportunity to eat some road-kill. Road kill is free, it’s sustainable and it tastes grrreat!

Simply take your Chelsea tractor to a poorly lit side-road, wait for a delivery rider and seize the opportunity.

daily distress UK satire humourdaily distress UK satire humour

Will it be pizza, will it be chips, we’ll have to wait and see …

Children fed, nothing spent!

Saturday

I often fly my family around the world on a Saturday in order to increase airport-based photo opportunities. Naturally, I book myself first class and the kids, economy but a quick chat about the Fly With Kirstie podcast nearly always gets them an upgrade to business. And that, of course, means that they get fed for nothing! And I still get to sit alone!

daily distress UK satire humourdaily distress UK satire humour

So, there you go, a whole week and I’ve spent £2 on two children. Yes, a quid per kid!

If I can do it, you can do it, too!

Lots of love,

Kirstie xxx

daily distress love and kisses from chloe molloy timpson


1 thought on “How to Feed Your Kids for Pennies”

  1. Pingback: The Life and Times of Digby Grimes

Comments are closed.