Holy Grail Found?

daily distress UK satire humour
Definitely not what the Holy Grail would look like.

After centuries of searching and four crusades, nobody has been able to find the chalice used by Jesus at the last supper. Until now, perhaps.

Ecclesiastical archaeologist Reverend James Tiberius Jones believes that he has finally located the cup of Christ.

Jones has an impressive record for unearthing holy relics, including:

  • The Ice Skate of Saint Lidwina – excavated from the site of a former ice-rink in Rotterdam.
  • The Leg-brace of Saint Servatius – unearthed with a metal detector in Armenia.
  • The Rolling-pin of Saint Agatha – discovered whilst holidaying in Malta.
  • The Clown Shoes of Saint Maturinus – retrieved from a travelling circus in Lazio.
  • The Needle of Saint Homobonus – found in a haystack near Cremona.

This find, however, eclipses all of Jones’ previous achievements. In an exclusive interview with the Daily Distress he explained how he has succeeded where many thousands have failed.

“For centuries,” he told us, “people have simply being looking for the wrong thing. Think about it. Our Lord was noted for his humility – he was hardly the sort of bloke who drives a Porsche or wears a Rolex. What would Jesus be doing drinking from a golden chalice? The whole notion is absurd.”

daily distress UK satire humour

What would Jesus do?

“As with all things in life, we should start by asking a very simple question – what would Jesus do?”

“Our Saviour wasn’t worried about triviality. He wasn’t one of those guys who wouldn’t leave the house without trimming his beard or applying moisturiser. The whole idea of him drinking out of something fancy makes about as much sense as him wearing a chunky gold chain.”

“So what I realised from the off was that I wasn’t looking for anything fancy. Just a simple, practical drinking vessel, maybe with a little decoration but nothing fancy.”

daily distress UK satire humour
An insignificant looking gift shop in Damascus.

“I was meditating on this as I walked through a street market in Damascus and suddenly I was drawn into an insignificant looking gift shop. And there, sitting on a shelf, bathed in holy light, I found it! It was just sitting there plain as the nose on your face.”

“I knew, the moment I saw it, that this was the very vessel that I was looking for. And there it was, hiding in plain sight, on sale for an appropriately humble Syrian £1.99.

daily distress UK satire humour
The real Holy Grail?

“I hurriedly paid the shopkeeper, gave him my blessing and contacted The Vatican for authentication. I’m still waiting for a reply but I expect to get one very soon.”

daily distress UK satire humour
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