British morale received a long-awaited boost yesterday, as a new world record was broken in Tring.
The epic find was made by Arthur Burridge, 72, from nearby Wigginton. “I was out for a stroll near the A41” he told our reporter, “when I saw this huge pile of excreta. At first, I assumed it was a cow dropping but it definitely had a doggy smell to it, so I investigated further. I poked at it with a stick for a while and came to the conclusion that it was definitely of canine origin.”
As soon as he had finished measuring his discovery, Burridge called in The Guinness Book of Records.
Beamish McMurphy, Head of Biological Waste at Guinness was quickly on the scene. “I really was expecting this to be another case of someone getting overexcited about a cow pat or a horse turd,” said McMurphy, “You’d be amazed how often that happens. But, no, this was definitely the real deal – a bona fide dog’s doing! We’re still awaiting a formal measurement but we’re pretty confident that it will beat the current record held by a deposit found in Dusseldorf in 1982.
If the record is ratified, it will add to a long list of records held by the UK including:
- The world’s smallest cow.
- The cat with the loudest purr.
- The most people dressed as Waldo.
- The longest serving queen.
- The world’s longest album title.
Glorious Leader is Proud
Britain’s Prime Minister, Boris Johnson was delighted by the news. “This, I think you will find, is irrefutable proof of ah, British supremacy, as it were” he waffled. “To all those nay-sayers, to those that think that Brexit was some kind of con trick played by Mr. Cummings and Mr. Putin, I have to say, quite simply, you are erroneous in your conclusions!”
“Look,” he continued, “it can hardly be coincidental that as we leave the EU, one of our canine constituents goes and pulls off a feat of this magnitude. A truly world-beating, best of breed dog poo, if ever there was one.”
“We will, of course, be making every effort to track down this admirably patriotic pooch and if we do, we’ll be rewarding him with some manner of medal or whatever may or may not be appropriate in the, the, the circumstances.”
“This simply wouldn’t, er and indeed, couldn’t happen under a Labour government.”