It’s coming! The new, balanced news service to rival Tim Davie’s completely unbiased BBC is almost ready to launch. GB News is on its way with the truth, the whole truth and nothing but opinion.
With a promise to be proudly British, wholly uncritical of the far-right and determinedly anti-woke, GB News will provide a healthy antidote to the relentless left-wing lies of The Sun, The Daily Express and The Daily Mail. A no-holds-barred editorial policy that only forbids the mention of the failures of Brexit will guarantee true political neutrality.
Here’s a look at what we can look forward to every day in this brave new era of bore-casting.
06:00 The Fast Asleep Club
Veteran political correspondent Andrew Neil delivers a daily monologue about the terminal woke-ness of everybody who isn’t Andrew Neil.
In an innovative move, the show will feature a live calendar just in case anybody thinks that they’re watching a repeat of the previous day’s show.
08:00 This Boring
Julia Horrid-Bunions presents a morning magazine show that’s guaranteed to entertain Aryan housewives everywhere.
With a host of Z-list celebrity guests and the odd bit of cooking from Prue Leith, this show is sure to keep the fairer members of the master-race entertained, as they pilot their Land-Crushers through the 50 yards of the school run whilst Julia assures them that it’s nanny state nonsense to suggest that they shouldn’t be driving whilst watching TV.
10:00 Michele Dingleberry
Some woman who was once on the Apprentice reads the daily diet of press releases from the Tufton Street mafia in a balanced and entirely uncritical way.
Uncluttered by comment, wit, insight or original thought, this show exemplifies the station’s no-nonsense approach to news.
11:00 Tom Harwood
Exactly the same stuff that has just been read out by Dingleberry but this time read out be none other than the mighty Tom Harwood!
Rumours are rife in media circles that Harwood’s electrifying delivery has him almost nailed on to win a coveted Oswald at this year’s inaugural Tim Davie Media Awards ceremony.
Live from his closet in his mum’s house, the charismatic Darren Grimes is on hand to entertain the little ones.
Grimesy’s zany antics are sure to have youngsters in stitches as he introduces a mixture of cartoons including The Bendy Banana Splits, Wacky Racists and Poor Patrol.
14:00 Everybody Hates Meghan
Piers Morgan rants about all the things that matter to him. Namely, Meghan Markle, an American actress who married somebody in the British royal family whilst being in possession of an inappropriate skin-tone.
We haven’t heard much about her, to be honest, but we’re sure that Piers will fill in all the details in a calm, reasoned and highly professional manner without stomping off the set every time that somebody dares to question him.
16:00 Inaya Folarin Ima
Inaya explains why GB News is nothing if not inclusive. But she’ll have to be quick because it’s time for …
16:01 Bingo and Tits with Dan Wootton
It’s not all low-brow stuff on GB News.
Dan Wootton brings the magic of The Sun to our screens with the paper’s usual blend of scantily-clad women, casual racism and penetrating football-transfer speculation.
Marvel as Dan unleashes his legendary talents as an investigative journalist by putting a right-wing slant on whatever was in the previous day’s Daily Mirror.
18:00 The Evening Snooze
Sorry, folks, Andrew’s back for half an hour, but it does give you a good chance to nip down to the chippy or wobble home from your breakfast pint at Wetherspoon’s.
The Daily Express‘ meteorological department brings you the latest forecast.
Will it be a new ice age or the heatwave to end all heatwaves?
It’s bound to be one or the other but whichever it is, it’s got absolutely nothing to do with climate change. Nothing whatsoever. We can’t emphasise that enough. And, as a bonus, it will either give you cancer or cure it depending on what day of the week it is.
19:00 The Nazis – A Glory From History
Having unsuccessfully tried his hand at acting, music and politics, Lawrence Pox discovers his true vocation as a documentary film maker.
In this compelling, and often moving, nostalgia-tinged series, Pox pays tribute to some of the men that inspired him to keep going on his traumatic journey from Harrow school to inexplicable celebrity.
20:00 Appeal – School Chums in Need
GB News is always happy to help those in need, especially if they went to the right school.
Every night they’ll be holding a telethon in aid of some poor woman who has only had £37 billion to live on over the last two years. It’s heart-wrenching stuff. Can she be saved from her life of poverty?
21:00 The 9 O’clock Booze
Nadine Dorries drags herself away from the bar to read the news.
This will basically consist of the exact same press-releases that were read out by Michelle Dingleberry earlier in the morning. It will be a thousand times more entertaining, though, as Nads will be as pissed as a parrot by the time that her show starts.
22:00 Crash Scene Investigation
Colin Brazier shows his integrity by rifling through the baggage of the deceased in the plane crash, motorway pile-up or train-wreck of the day.
If this sounds rather dull, don’t worry, Colin will also be starting regular fist fights with the show’s producers.
23:00 The Comedy Zone
Chucklesome racist midget, Jim Davidson trawls through the comedy archives in a desperate attempt to find some remotely funny right-wing humour.
We wish him good luck with that.
Or, at least, we would if he wasn’t such a complete and utter bell-end.
23:59 The National Anthem
We all know that Western civilisation ended the day that the wokerati stopped the BBC playing the national anthem at the end of the televisual day. Thankfully, GB News are bringing it back as part of their ongoing campaign to restore the 1950s
The complete version of the anthem (the one with all the anti-Scottish bits) will be read out by none other than Jacob Rees-Mogg!
Can you wait? We can.
And so to bed. As weary gammons head their way up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire, the next day will already be beginning for the hard-working crew at GB News. Andrew Neil will be trawling Twitter for anything mildly left of centre; Piers Morgan will be feverishly reading The Big Book of Meghan Markle by Dr Seuss, and Nadine Dorries will be beginning her warm-up for the next edition of Boozenight with a fresh crate of gin.
GB News never sleeps in its constant quest to bring you the truth – whatever they might mean by that.