The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have announced that that their next gig will be their final one.
In an open letter to the music press, lead vocalist Death said:
We’re sorry to say that Conquest, War, Famine and myself have decided to call it a day.
We’ve had some great times over the course of history and provided the soundtrack to more misery than you could shake a stick at. We want to leave while we’re on a high so people can remember the good times.
It’s just run its course, that’s all we can say. After several millennia on the road and more albums than we can remember, the feeling’s gone. You begin to feel that you’re running out of new things to offer.
In many ways, we’ve produced some of our finest material in the last century or so. We’re on an all-time creative high. But people are bored now. We are bored, too. And we all hate each other, the way bands do.
In light of this, we will only be performing one more gig.
Don’t worry, though. It will be a great show!
It’s not all doom and gloom for Horsemen fans, though.
The band’s Svengali, Satan, is rumoured to be rehearsing a new line-up for his long-running hit-makers. “The boys have been great,” he told us “but they are getting on a bit. I’ve got Xi Jinping replacing Famine on bass and Kim Jong-Un in for War on guitar. There’s a young Russian lad called Putin on bass – he’s awesome – an absolute, bloody animal!”
But who will replace Death as the frontman of The Fearsome Four? “Oh, there’s only one choice there” revealed Satan, “an American kid called Trump. He’s an absolute natural, kind of like a cross between Axl Rose and an orangutan. He’ll even make Death look dull.”
Will the new combo really be able to replicate the success of the Horsemen of old? Satan seemed very confident. “Oh, yeah, baby!” he told us, “Just watch this space!”