Whilst Brexit may have brought many benefits to the UK, one of its unfortunate side-effects has been the devastation that it has brought to the country’s fishing fleets. All may not be lost, however. A new scheme from the Department of International Trade could be set to turn our ailing trawlers into a crack squadron of Bunga Bunga party boats.
Inspired by predictions for the almost infinite earning potential of the new £200 million royal yacht, the DoTI hopes to extend that profitability to the UK’s 4,500 fishing vessels by converting them into luxurious party vessels. A senior Treasury spokesman suggested that the total annual revenue could be as high as “somewhere in the region of several gazillion quid give or take a few zeroes, decimal places or whatever”.
Bunga Bunga Party Like it’s 1999!
The upgraded fleet could be set to transform Britain’s seascape. Once the home of nationally confused and discontented fish, our waters will become the home of Chinese billionaires, American healthcare executives and Russian oligarchs. It is believed that stoked by a stream of caviar, alcohol, Gove-powder, and girls of questionable age, guests will be able to get so far off their tits that they will be prepared to invest in the UK.
The original plan was to offer a £150 million upgrade package at the Harland and Wolff shipyard in Belfast, but due to nobody being entirely sure whether Northern Ireland still exists, work will take place at the new Harding and Fox shipyard in Shepton Mallet. Thanks to some tough negotiation by Liz Truss, packages will start from as little as £500m.
The upgrade kits, consisting of a big pile of teak-effect laminate and silver-effect handrails will come with a host of features that are designed to give even the rustiest vessel a touch of royal class. Portraits of the Queen, multiple Union Jack stickers and a gold-plated chemical toilet will guarantee that even the basic package will make any vessel the envy of the oceans.
The Platinum option will add various finishing touches including life-belts, an anchor and a ship’s radio for a modest £300 million extra.
If the scheme is successful, some analysts believe that world-beating free-trade agreements with Tuvalu and Narnia could be just around the corner.
Bunga Bunga, Stick it up Yer Jumper
Reactions to the Bunga Bunga party plan have mostly been favourable but the idea has met with furious opposition from leading Brexit campaigner John Redwood. “For me, Brexit was always about one thing”, he told us, “fish, fish and more fish. All that guff about homemade cheese and pineapples growing up on allotments was just something I came up with when I realised that it wasn’t going so well. It really is all about fish.
“A Bunga Bunga party is a wonderful thing – don’t get me wrong. I’ve been to a great many but they have their place and that place is called Russia. To use our sacred ancestral fishing grounds for any other purpose is a betrayal of our British values.”
Opposition leader Sir Kier Starmer was a little more fervent in his condemnation of the plan. “Quite frankly, I find the whole thing a little bit ‘meh'”, he explained. “It doesn’t really do much to address the problems caused by Brexit, which I either do or do not recognise. And I’m not convinced that boat owners will ever really get their investment back. Though, of course, they might. I’ve heard better ideas. Equally, I’ve heard far worse ones. I suppose we’ll just vote it through and see what happens. I can always mince Boris at PMQs after the event if it all goes wrong. Which it might or might not do.
Am I right in thinking that Shepton Mallet isn’t on the coast? I must check that. It’s one of those important forensic details that I’m meant to be quite fond of.”
The Prime Minister was unavailable for comment as he was busy attending a land-based Bunga Bunga party in Italy with Prince Andrew.