The crew of the Spivship Enterprise are on their way to Metabilis-3, or so they think. This time the Brit Trek bunch really are lost in space.
Space. The final frontier.
These are the voyages of the Spivship Enterprise.
Its four year mission.
To gaslight new worlds.
To seek out new spaffs.
And destroy civilisation.
To boldly go where no bugger has been daft enough to go before.
[WHOOOSHY MUSIC AND SUITABLY SPACEY IMAGES]
Brit Trek – The Next Franchise Opportunity
[AS EVER, WE START OUR SHOW ON THE BRIDGE OF THE SPIVSHIP ENTERPRISE. THE USUAL BUNCH OF HAPLESS SPAFFERS ARE LYING ABOUT AND PRETENDING TO KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING.]
CAPTAIN BERK: What’s our heading, Navigator Schapps?
NAVIGATOR SCHAPPS: We should be approaching Metabilis-3 any minute now, sir. Look! There it is, now.
CAPTAIN BERK: Is it my imagination or does that look an awful lot like Earth, Schapps?
NAVIGATOR SCHAPPS: With all respect, sir, the Earth is flat and the planet ahead of us is clearly round. An easy mistake to make if you’re not an ace navigator like me, I suppose …
CAPTAIN BERK: Alas, Schapps, I have no time to explain this to you, but that does look awfully like Earth.
NAVIGATOR SCHAPPS: Oh, no, sir. We’re definitely somewhere in that thing that looks like a horse’s head and that’s nowhere near Earth.
CAPTAIN BERK: Sunak, why aren’t we stabilising into some kind of orbit, so to speak? We do, er, seem to be getting rather close to the planet. Unless, of course, it just happens to be moving towards us.
COMMANDER SUNAK: I’m afraid that Truss gave the orbital stabilisers to the Albanians, sir.
CAPTAIN BERK: Is that true, Truss?
ENSIGN TRUSS: Ooh, yes, sir! I made a jolly good trade deal with the Albanian Asteroid Belt, sir! I gave them our orbital stabilisers in exchange for three donkeys and an AK-47. It was just like being on Swap Shop! Didn’t I do jolly well? Do I get a medal, sir? Do I? Do I?
CAPTAIN BERK: No, Truss, we’re fresh out of medals. We already gave you three for your work with the Faroe Cluster. That planet really is, as it were, one er, could, I suppose, say, getting rather close. I’m sure that’s Australia over there, Schapps.
NAVIGATOR SCHAPPS: Oh, no, sir. It can’t be Australia. That’s an island and as any schoolboy knows, Australia is not an island. An island, you see, has a Tower of London, that’s what makes it an island. Unless it’s got fjords, needless to say, in which case it would be Norway. Australia, on the other hand, can’t control its borders because it doesn’t have any. It’s a bit like Austria in that respect. That’s probably why their names are so similar. Then again, Argentina doesn’t sound so different and that’s in Africa, which is a country, so it doesn’t always fol …
[AN ALARM SOUNDS. VROOP! VROOP! TEN SECONDS TO IMPACT! NINE … THE CREW RUN FROM SIDE TO SIDE WHILE THE CAMERAMAN JUMPS UP AND DOWN. IT’S AS MUCH AS WE CAN DO AS WE SPAFFED OUR ENTIRE EFFECTS BUDGET ON THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.]
COMMANDER SUNAK: The ship’s splitting in two, sir! We’re going to crash right into another TV show!
[KABLAMMO! EVERYTHING GOES BLACK SO THAT THE AMERICAN NETWORKS CAN FIT IN YET ANOTHER AD-BREAK. IF THEY CAN DO IT, SO CAN WE. PLEASE BUY SOMETHING SO THAT WE CAN AFFORD A FRESH JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER.]
[RIGHT, BACK TO THE SHOW. WE FIND OURSELVES ON A BEACH NEXT TO A JUNGLE. THERE ARE BITS OF BURNING SPACESHIP SCATTERED AROUND. THE CREW ARE ALL DAZED AND CONFUSED, JUST AS THEY WERE BEFORE THEY CRASHED.]
CAPTAIN BERK: We appear to be on an island of some sort.
NAVIGATOR SCHAPPS: I’m not so sure that it’s an island, Captain. It might be a continent or a penicillin or an archaeologist or something. It’s definitely not England. The weather’s too good.
[THANKFULLY, SCHAPPS SPENDS THE REST OF THE SERIES GAGGED AND BOUND TO A TREE. EVEN SPACE FORCE HAS SOME STANDARDS. THE CREW SPEND THE NEXT THREE HOURS WAVING FRANTICALLY. THIS IS SOMEWHAT FRUITLESS AS THERE ARE NO PASSING AEROPLANES.]
CAPTAIN BERK: Perhaps I should have stuck that third runway somewhere else. Alas, it would appear that we are here for the night, in a manner of er speaking. Has anyone seen any hotels?
COMMANDER GOVE: It would seem, sir, that the entire island is uninhabited.
CAPTAIN BERK: Er, yes, I’m sure it is but there must be a Premier Inn or some such thing hereabouts.
COMMANDER GOVE: No, sir, That would require some sort of population.
CAPTAIN BERK: But they’ve got one in Leicester, for crying out loud. Nobody lives in Leicester!
COMMANDER GOVE: I believe that the people who work in the Leicester Premier Inn do, sir. We may have to camp.
CAPTAIN BERK: Camping, eh? Boy scouts and what-not. Bit of the old Baden-Powells, I suppose. Best, ah, let me see, start a fire and get the tents from what’s left of the space thingy, I suppose. Grab some food and drink while you’re there chaps.
[THE CREW HEAD OFF TO THE WRECKAGE WHILE SUNAK SETS FIRE TO A LARGE PILE OF BANKNOTES. THE CREW EVENTUALLY RETURN WITH A BOUNCY CASTLE AND NO FOOD OR DRINK.]
CAPTAIN BERK: Where’s all the food?
COMMANDER GOVE: I’m afraid it’s all gone, sir. It would appear that Francois got there first.
CAPTAIN BERK: And the drink? No, no, don’t tell me. Bloody Dorries found it, didn’t she?
COMMANDER GOVE: I’m afraid so, sir. I’m surprised that you didn’t hear her singing – she’s even worse than usual.
CAPTAIN BERK: And the tents?
COMMANDER GOVE: Spaceships don’t carry tents, Captain. They’re not much use in a solar wind.
CAPTAIN BERK: No, no, I suppose they don’t. Er, why have we got a bouncy castle?
COMMANDER GOVE: As I recall, you thought it was a good idea at the time, Captain.
CAPTAIN BERK: Ah, er, yes, I dare say I did. Oh well, we’d best get some shut-eye, it’s going to be a long night. Stick another billion on the fire, Sunak, I’m going to sleep like a Mogg, tonight.
[BLACK SCREEN THING AGAIN. THIS TIME TO INDICATE THE PASSING OF THE NIGHT – CLEVER, HUH? THIS GIVES YOU TIME TO BUY THE COOLEST THING YOU’VE OWNED SINCE YOU BOUGHT YOUR “I SHOT J.R.” T-SHIRT ALL THOSE YEARS AGO]
[A NEW DAY DAWNS ON THE MYSTERY ISLAND AND, HEAVEN HELP US, THE CREW DECIDE TO GET ORGANISED]
CAPTAIN BERK: Er, gather round everybody, we need to get rescued and we need some food and water.
COMMANDER GOVE: Why don’t we just call the Federation?
CAPTAIN BERK: Because you called them a bunch of stinking, Belgian rotters and demanded that they never talk to us ever again. Alas, they took you at your word.
COMMANDER GOVE: Oh, so I did. It seemed such a good idea when Cummings suggested it, Captain.
CAPTAIN BERK: Well, it’s no use crying over, ah, milk that one might have, er, spilt, I suppose. We need to get some supplies. Who knows anything about fish?
ENSIGN REDWOOD: Me, sir! I’m from Berkshire, the sea is in my blood! There’s nothing I don’t know about fish!
CAPTAIN BERK: Good! Go and catch some.
ENSIGN REDWOOD: Well, when I say there’s nothing I don’t know about fish, I mean that I’m quite good at talking about them, I’ve never actually …
CAPTAIN BERK: Just get on with it, Ensign. You’re bugger-all use for anything else. And we’ll need somebody to ah, make some sort of, ah, sign for passing aircraft. Ensign Jenkyns, make us a big S.O.S. sign on the beach.
ENSIGN JENKYNS: Yes, sir. Has anyone got a really big crayon?
CAPTAIN BERK: Bloody hell, Jenkyns, you make Redwood look like a sentient lifeform. Spell it out in rocks. Use the ones in your head, if you have to. Raaaab, see if you can find some water.
COMMANDER RAAAAB: There’s gallons of it over there, sir!
CAPTAIN BERK: Where?
COMANDER RAAAAB: In the sea, sir!
CAPTAIN BERK: Some mothers, alas, certainly do have them. Fresh-water, Raaaab! Not sea-water!
COMMANDER RAAAAB: If you insist, sir, though one seems as wet as the other to me.
CAPTAIN BERK: Rees-Mogg! See if you can catch a boar in the jungle, would you, old chap?
COMMANDER REES-MOGG: Bugger off, you slimy little oik. One is having a nap.
CAPTAIN BERK: Fair enough, Rees-Mogg. Sorry to, er, trouble you. How about you, Hancock?
COMMANDER HANCOCK: Well, actually, sir, I’ve been meaning to have a word. I’ve seen this show before and the doctor, you see, is always the leader.
CAPTAIN BERK: You’re not a doctor, Hancock.
COMMANDER HANCOCK: Not as such, sir, but I’ve fired and deported thousands of them, so I’m even more important.
CAPTAIN BERK: Just go into the jungle, Hancock and stick a pig, as it were. Jenrick, go and find a swamp to sell. The rest of you, make some shelters and forage for fruit.
[HANCOCK MUTTERS AND GRUMBLES HIS WAY INTO THE JUNGLE]
The Twilight Zone
[DUSK BEGINS TO FALL. ONE BY ONE, THE CREW RETURN FROM THEIR TASKS]
CAPTAIN BERK: Ah, Jenkyns! How did it go with the sign?
ENSIGN JENKYNS: Working on it, Captain! I just wanted to check something. How do you spell S.O.S. again?
CAPTAIN BERK: Ess, oh for flip’s sake! How do you think you spell S.O.S.?
ENSIGN JENKYNS: Well, I know that it’s ‘I’ before ‘E’ unless by the sea and that there are always more ‘L’s than I think there are in ‘parallel’ …
CAPTAIN BERK: I really can’t believe that people actually voted for you. We’ll try again tomorrow. Ah, look! Here comes Redwood. I’m confident that he’ll have some better news. What did you manage to catch, Redwood?
ENSIGN REDWOOD: Three tuna and a large marlin, Captain!
CAPTAIN BERK: Excellent work, Redwood! Er, where are they?
ENSIGN REDWOOD: I had to throw them back, sir. Not a British fish amongst them, I’m afraid.
CAPTAIN BERK: Only in bloody Wokingham! Here’s Hancock. Alas, he would seem to be empty-handed, too.
COMMANDER HANCOCK: Sorry, Captain, It turns out that boars have legs and they move around a lot when you try to shoot them. They never told me that at the Ministry of Ag. I’m sure that Raaaab will have found something, though.
COMMANDER RAAAAB: Yes, I found some water! I heard Dorries scream and ran towards what she was running away from. Sure enough, it was water!
CAPTAIN BERK: Excellent, Raaaab! At least one of you is of some, ah, ah, value. How much did you bring back with you?
COMMANDER RAAAAB: Bring back? Was that the idea, sir?
CAPTAIN BERK: Christ on a bloody bicycle! Are you all, as it were, utterly bloody useless?
ENSIGN JENRICK: Oh, no, sir! I found plenty of swampland to sell!
CAPTAIN BERK: Thank God! At least one of you has an, er, er, a brain! Have a fish-biscuit, Jenrick, you’ve earned it!
[SUDDENLY ENSIGN FRANCOIS ROLLS ONTO THE BEACH, FASTER THAN HIS STUBBY, LITTLE LEGS CAN CARRY HIM. HE IS EVEN REDDER THAN USUAL.]
ENSIGN FRANCOIS: Captain! Captain! We’re not alone on the island! Someone has carved the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42 all over the place and I found this strange sign! [HE HANDS BERK A STRANGE SIGN]
CAPATIN BERK [CUTTING SOME BEAUTIFULLY ANGULAR SHATNER SHAPES]: What can it possibly mean? WHAT’S GOING ON?
[A CAT SCRATCHES A ‘CELLO, EVERYTHING GOES BLACK AGAIN, AND WE ARE LEFT HANGING ON A CLIFF. WHAT MYSTERIES WILL THE TEAM UNEARTH IN THE NEXT THRILLING EPISODE OF BRIT-TREK – LOST IN SPACE? JUST HOW FAR CAN WE PUSH THIS AMAZING SUB-FRANCHISE? WHAT DARK POWERS HAS THE SINISTER HARDING INSTITUTE BEEN MESSING WITH? IF THIS IS EPISODE 4.815162342, WHAT DOES ADMIRAL PATEL EXPECT US TO CALL THE NEXT ONE? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK, SAME SPACED-OUT TIME, SAME SPACED-OUT CHANNEL, ETC., ETC. AT LEAST WE SPARED YOU THE FLASHBACKS – THIS ISN’T THE FAMILY GUY!]