At the Football with Big Chief ICU

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How! Children.

It’s Big Chief ICU back with a special new spotters’ guide.

The rotten, old government won’t let us go to football matches just now. I know that’s a bit mouldy for all of you.

They won’t let me go to the pub, either, so I’ve had plenty of time to prepare my new spotter’s guide: Big Chief ICU’s Book of Football Fans. As usual, it’s freely available for a stamped, addressed envelope and a postal order for two and six.

If you can’t wait for your copy to arrive, though, here’s a sneak preview:

Football matches attract all sorts of strange fellows, here are just a few of them. See how many you can spot!

5 Points: Statto

daily distress UK satire humour
This chap knows all the names and numbers! He has an uncanny ability to remember every game his club has ever played in excruciating detail. Nobody is entirely sure whether he has a freakish memory or if he has been up all night swotting. Either way, nobody really wants to be standing next to him!

10 Points: The Manager

daily distress UK satire humour
This fellow has a very unfulfilling job during the week but on Saturday afternoons, he is the perfect man to direct the team from the terraces. He is au fait with all the technicalities of the beautiful game and able to give professional players far better advice than their coach who has 30 years’ experience. Remarkably, these skills can be transferred effortlessly to any sport that he might be watching.

20 Points: The Commentator

daily distress UK satire humour
It is hard to imagine why this gentleman has never been given a job with the BBC. He is able to provide expert commentary and is happy to provide his services for free. His blend of hyperbole and statements of the bleeding obvious are sure to enhance the match-day experience for everyone in earshot.

25 Points: The Pessimist

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It doesn’t matter if you’re 3-0 up or 3-0 down, this fan can only see one outcome – defeat. He is more than happy to explain to anyone who doesn’t want to listen, how bad your team is and why your best players should be shot.

30 Points: The Posh Gentleman

daily distress UK satire humour
Soccer appeals to all kinds of folk but this gentleman might be a little more at home at Henley Regatta.

40 Points: The Potty-mouth

daily distress UK satire humour
This foul-mouthed fellow has a very overbearing wife and is not allowed to use naughty words at home. Every time he feels the urge to swear he has to store it in a jar and save it for Saturday.

100 Points: The Celebrity Fan

daily distress UK satire humour
Every team has its famous supporters these days. Perhaps you’ve seen Tony Blair singing with the Toon Army or James Bond buying a lager in The Kop. You might even have seen the future King of England queuing for the Holte End urinals. I doubt it, though, so you’ll get a whopping 100 points if you do!

Learn more about football

Football is our national game and it’s important that my young Indian Braves know as much about it as possible. Otherwise they will not be able to hold their own conversationally when they are old enough to visit their local hostelry.

Fortunately, Big Chief ICU has prepared a collection of simple guides to the noble art of Association Football all of which are available from the usual address for the usual fee. Order now to guarantee disappointment.

  • Big Chief ICU’s Guide to ACCAs and Football Coupons
  • Big Chief ICU’s DIY Satellite TV Secrets
  • Bash the Bookies with Big Chief ICU
  • The ICU Book of Football Firms
  • Big Chief ICU’s Up-skirt Collection*

*Not, strictly speaking, about football, but definitely of interest to all young fellows.

One Last Thing …

Big Chief ICU is organising a Blue Peter style appeal for good causes. If your mummy and daddy have any unwanted jewellery, please package it up and send it to the usual address.

Your donations could help to prevent a disastrous drought in the West Midlands!

Happy hunting, young braves!

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