Auntie Announces Autumn Highlights

As the nights begin to draw in, the BBC has unrevealed some of its highlights for the forthcoming season.

Here we give you a sneak preview of just some of the treats to come:

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Eastenders

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It’s going to be a thrilling end to the year in Albert Square. We don’t want to give too much away, but here are some of the highlights:

  • Ben Mitchell breaks a world record by undergoing a sixth full-body transplant.
  • Ian Beale explodes after eating a wafer-thin mint.
  • Danny Dyer (played by Mick Carter) becomes a Pearly King.
  • Herriot gets his arm stuck in a cow.
  • In a break with tradition, someone dies on Boxing Day.
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The One Show

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The One Show: A bit crap since Adrian left.

The regular team, who we can’t begin to name, continue their drive to become the first ever television program with negative viewing figures.

To this end, there will be no guest contributions from Gyles Brandreth, Phil Tuffnell or anyone else who might attract any interest.

Casualty

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Casualty as it looked in 1973.

The long running drama enters its 98th series with a thrill-a-minute story. The Intensive Care Team fight desperately to resuscitate a show that should have been put out of its misery 20-odd years ago.

As soon as someone shouts “We’re gonna need a bigger defibrillator!” you know that you’re in for a white-knuckle ride.

Father Brown

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With everybody else in the village having been murdered already, can Father Brown, Bunty and Mrs. Whatserface finally relax?

Not on your Nelly!

Kembleford is known as the most dangerous place in the Cotswolds for good reason. Viewers are guaranteed a lunchtime bloodbath as things get really messy.

Call the Midwife

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Someone in the first series.

Poplar has the opposite problem to Kembleford. After all those years of first-rate midwifery, the east end borough is now facing an over-population crisis.

Can our heroine do anything to slow the birthrate?

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Chase the Impossible Business Case

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Probably a different quiz show.

Yet another new early afternoon quiz show presented by a tall, clean-cut gentleman.

The game works as follows:

  • The contestant is asked three questions.
  • If he gets them right, he has to turn a crank.
  • The crank engages a set of gears.
  • The gears exert pressure on a lever.
  • The lever causes a shoe to kick a bucket.
  • The bucket tips out a metal ball which falls down some stairs.
  • The ball strikes a rod.
  • The rod dislodges a marble into a bath and it drops onto a diving board.
  • The diving board launches a diver into a wash tub making a cage drop onto a mouse.
  • The player may then choose to gamble his mouse against a truckle of cheese, a Chase the Impossible Business Case executive toy and a £100 book token.

Homes Under the Hammer

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Will Premier League legend, Dion Dublin finally find himself an affordable house?

Probably not, this ones got a few years left to run.

Mrs. Brown’s Boys

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Brendan O’Carroll continues with his remarkable tribute to the late Arthur Lucan’s truly atrocious “Old Mother Riley” features.

But at least it’s not Michael McIntyre.

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