There has long been a suspicion that the 5G network is distributing COVID-19 and now it appears that this may only be part of the story. We asked Anton McLaughlin, Professor of Parapsychology at Shepshed University to share his findings:
Daily Distress: Welcome, Professor. We believe that you have some important findings on the alleged link between 5G and the current viral pandemic …
McLaughlin: Yes, indeed and it turns out that the relationship between the two is much more complex than we initially thought.
Daily Distress: Let’s start with 5G itself. Why is it so different from 3G or 4G?
McLaughlin: As crazy as it may sound, the clue is actually in the name!
To the casual observer, 5G is just a shorthand for “fifth generation”. Right? It all sounds perfectly innocuous, but when we start to examine what those five G’s actually represent, a darker picture soon emerges.
Consider the pantheon of ancient gods: Yog-Sottoth, Cthuga, Shub-Niggurath and Ngyr-Korath. Have you noticed, yet? Yes! There are five G’s in there! Go on, count them! Coincidence? I don’t think so!
Now, these gods, as we all know, are servants of Great Cthulhu, the old god that will one day rise to reclaim the Earth …
Daily Distress: But wasn’t Cthulhu just a fictional creation of horror writer H. P. Lovecraft?
McLaughlin: No, not at all. Cthulhu used Lovecraft to provide a hint of his presence to the 20th century world in such a way as to lessen the shock of his physical re-emergence in the 21st century.
Daily Distress: Cthulhu, we’re told, is several hundred metres tall, part humanoid, part dragon and part octopus. Is there really any way of making his appearance less surprising?
McLaughlin: Well, obviously no one thing would completely remove the shock value of that, but that’s why the Great Old One has chosen to reveal himself in several small steps. It started, of course, with Lovecraft in the 1920’s but he’s been dropping hints ever since.
Obviously, there was Roswell in ’47, then there was Kennedy in ’63 but then it all went quiet for a bit and there was nothing until ’97 when Princess Diana was assassinated by an Israeli sponsored group of Cthonians in Paris.
Things have come pretty thick and fast since then. We’ve had all manner of signs from Britney Spears to David Dickinson, from Jedward to the Kardashians, from Gordon Brown to Gok Wan – terrifying and unnatural entities being propelled to positions of prominence in order to soften the impact when the ancient astronauts return. We even have Alan Carr on prime-time TV!
Daily Distress: I see. And when, exactly, will the “ancient astronauts” return?
Mclaughlin: Well, initially we were convinced that it would be 2012 when the Mayan calendar ended but we now realise that that was something of a red herring – probably planted by Illuminati time-travellers in order to throw us off the scent. My own feeling, is that 2012 was a simple code for 2024 – double the last two digits, ignore the first two – that kind of thing.
Daily Distress: So, the world will end in 2024?
McLaughlin: Probably, yes. If it doesn’t, I’ll come up with a new date at the time. The Jehovahs have been doing that for ages, so why shouldn’t I? Please buy my book.
We later “fact checked” Professor McLaughin’s claims with a proper scientist who told us that “anyone who thinks that a microorganism can be instantiated from an electromagnetic wave form has probably spent a bit too long in Wetherspoons.”
Shepshed University was unavailable for comment as it appears to be a figment of “Professor” McLaughlin’s imagination.
Leicestershire Constabulary are believed to be looking for a middle-aged, IC1 male believed to be wearing a purple blazer and clutching a bottle of Thunderbird wine. They advise the public to approach him with extreme caution and not engage him in conversation at any cost.